Life Goals = Check

So for the first time since June, I feel somewhat ready for the week ahead. For the past 10 days or so my main life goal has been to empty the dishwasher. I thought, if I could pull that off I might even lift my game and wash the sheets on my bed.

Well, done and done.

You might be thinking that this is THE most boring post you've ever come across but honestly, I feel this deserves to be put down in the history books. My food for the week is made (mulligatawny stew, curried cauliflower soup, and some slow-cooked peanut chicken), the sheets are fresh, the floors are vacuumed/washed, my bathroom is clean, laundry is done, bills are paid, dog food is stocked, and the fridge is sparkling. Oh it is sweet. This is what happens when I get two whole days off!! (Ok, I was post-call on Saturday so I slept until 1415h, thus making my achievements even more impressive, as far as I am concerned).

This week will be busy, I have volleyball tomorrow, am on call in the ED on Tuesday and on call for anesthetics on Wednesday but then on Friday I am flying home for Thanksgiving!! I can't even remember the last time I spent Thanksgiving with the family. It's been at least 10 years for sure. I am ridiculously excited...and prepping my elastic waistband pants in advance. Ah screw it, I'll just wear scrub bottoms the entire weekend.

In other GREAT news, Duncan finally gave his notice at work which means that the Manfriend will be joining me here shortly on the bald prairies. Yes, he is leaving his job and house on the ocean in BC to move here. It must be love.

Let's hope he's still smiling come February...

It's going to make such a difference having him here in the shoebox-sized rental. Residency has been a heavy go and a lonely road so far, and it's definitely been tough to keep the fires burning long-distance. Hopefully his tender British hide doesn't get frostbitten during his first REAL Canadian winter. Eep. Yeah, he's been in Canada for four years but Vancouver Island winters really don't count. We had a long discussion about vehicular modifications required for -40 degree winters, phrases like "block heater installation" and "winter tire purchases" were thrown around. I think he is still processing all of this. I get random questions like, "So...do people plug their cars in at work??" in the middle of a conversation about running shoes.

Yessssssss.

I am currently on my combined gen surg/ortho rotation. It is...meh. I really enjoy being in the O.R but my program has really changed up our rotation so that we spend most of our time in ambulatory care and surgical clinics. Which, I suppose, is nice for the people who hate being in theatre and who plan to have mainly GP clinic based practice. (In case it isn't already painfully obvious I don't plan on having a predominately clinic based practice). I recognize that this approach makes sense in terms of what family medicine residents need to know from a surgical rotation perspective - I just wish I had some more time getting to assist and do procedural things. Which is probably why I LOVED LOVED LOVED my anesthetics rotation (but that is a whole other post). Did I mention, I LOVED ANESTHETICS?!?! 

Well, that is enough rambling for one night. I just thought I should check in with the odd happy post from now on so that people don't think I am scouting highway accessible bridge abutments.  

Also. My dog rules.

Wake up and pet me dammit!!!

Roll on, Monday. 

Intimate Insight

I know that these images and this story are making the rounds on social media these days, so my apologies if you're feeling inundated. I felt that these images were too profound and raw and beautiful to pass over.

It is one of the most heart wrenching photo essays I've had the privilege of seeing. I think it shows so poignantly the suffering, strength, love, hope, fear, and anger that features in the struggle with such a devastating diagnosis. To me, these photos express very clearly the questions that we struggle to form when we ask about cancer, and I believe they show the answers to those questions. A few of Angelo Merendino's photos from the website are shown below. In my opinion he is a brilliant photographer, and she a powerful subject.

http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/

Racing: The Irish Way

 

A few weeks back I convinced my brotha-from-anotha-motha, Ryan, to run this 10 mile race. So he signed up. 

I balked. He trash-talked. I registered. I regretted.

It was actually pretty fun.

The drive there was an adventure, at one point the GPS (who I've named Dunce Cap or D.C for short) even got lost, telling us to turn left but mapping us to the right and then getting all hissy when I went left. I really want to throw that thing in the majestic river Shannon most days.  Though the road (pictured above) was scary and narrow, the directions were typically Irish ('after a long bend in the road take a left and follow that road') we somehow found the place. I had a moment of anxiety the night before when I realised that doing a race in the middle of February is actually a really bad idea. You see, it is too soon for there to be any resolutionists (as I like to call them). No one decides on Jan 1st to do a race 6 weeks later. Most would think it is not enough time to train for a medium distance run. And this race, in particular, is known as the 'most challenging 10 mile race in the country'. I'm not sure about this claim as it is possible that it is the only 10 mile race in the country. So, the folks running an ass-buster in Feb are likely going to be really in shape, doing it as a fun day out as they prepare for their next big race somewhere else. 

Oh I so called it. As we pulled up we could see a blur of lyrca stretching and light-jogging up the first hill.  Formidable specimens, they were. I could see the outline of their vastus mediali  from the parking lot (which, by the way, was a farmers driveway, complete with fowl and swingsets, pictured above).

This is what happens when you set a camera timer and try to look tough.

The weather was outstanding. It was indeed a challenging race with loads of hills. But both Ryan and I were happy with our times (Ryan had hoped to do it in 1:30 despite the elevation and he finished in 1:19)! I was hoping to finish under 2 hours since I haven't really been distance running since....oh....2008! But I managed to pull a 1:32 out which isn't exactly olympic qualifying time, but it got the job done. And I was pleased. And apparently haggard.

Hello, beauty.

After the race I drove home, grabbed some food, water, bathing suit, and towel, and headed to the icy Atlantic nearby. My car thermometer read 7 degrees yet somehow I managed to strip off my many layers and plunge in. I am a firm believer in the ice bath. It had to be done and I figured a sunset dip in the ocean would be better than the view from my bathtub.

Turns out, I was right. Shortly after my dip the clouds rolled into this amazing formation that nearly took my mind off the fact that every cell in my body was shivering. I sat in my car, cranked the heat on (sorry environment, it had to be done for a few minutes) and ate my picnic supper. I made a mental note regarding what a lovely date I'd taken myself on, and deciding that yes indeed I would go out with myself again. Once the beach was dark I drove to the gym and vegged out in the sauna and decided that life was pretty much all I ever hoped it'd be. Oh Ireland, I really (heart) you sometimes.

Little Things, Like Spicy Pickled Eggplant

"I'm Paul Kennedy, and this...is Ideas"

Because sometimes it really is a collection of little things that make me oh so happy.

My Little Shout Out

Tobie...Master Violist!

In about 3 hours Tobie will be playing a concert which is the final exam for his Masters in Orchestral String Performance. I am, of course, bursting with pride and excitement on his behalf. I have seen his dedication and discipline with hours of solitary rehearsal, six days a week, for the past 2 years.  He's so amazing, I had to make a little shout-out post on his behalf.

My only little twinge of sadness is that this marks the end of his time in Ireland, with me staying on for two more years. I am also disappointed that I wont be there for this big performance. I'd love to be in the front row...with a giant smile on my face and tiny prayer in my heart.

I am sure he'll play beautifully. I did get to see his dress rehearsal performance. A link if you'd like a taster.

Good luck, Tobie! xo

Medical Gods Give Me Strength (and a photographic memory, please)

When I get really whiny about how hard it is to try and remember 2 years worth of curriculum I try to remind myself of the fact that it is a priveledge to study medicine. Really, it is. I know that there are hundreds (thousands?) of people that would gladly trade places with me this instant if it were possible.

This normally gets me re-motivated to try and remember things like the stages of herpes infections.

Not today. Partly because my exams for school start in 3 days and partially because I still have forty three more groundhog days of picking my clothes up off the floor and padding into an office at 0630h, only to emerge for feedings and the odd burst of exercise, then collapsing back into bed at midnight. Wicked pisser summer, hey??! Yep.

I chose this. I chose this! I chose this?!?

---UPDATE---

Just as I was writing the last sentence, Tobie returned from the Farmer's Market with gifts for me!! Ok, before you all start going "awwwww" I will point out that as he was leaving I asked him to please get me some presents because I was losing the will and that I would reimburse him for any expenses said presents would incur. And so, I am now the proud owner of the Joseph Joseph Chop2Pot Plus cutting board!! Yippeeeeee!

The way to this girl's heart is through kitchen gadgets.

He also got me my favorite (though normally banned from consumption due to the fact that it is pretty much PURE BUTTER AND ALMOND) croissant from the bakery, and some organic kale from our favorite local Herb Man*. So that got me through the evening. He's pretty sweet alright and wouldn't let me pay him for the gifts after all. I think I must be getting hard to live with these days because last night I was tormenting him about something to which he said, "don't you have to go and memorize a bacteria or something??"

Yes, yes I do.

Back to it!!

*No the end of that sentence is not a euphemism for other green leafy substances...I need every brain cell I've got at this stage of the game.  

Computer Savvy

My shiny new external hard drive arrived today, it is a 1 terrabyte USB 2.0 WD and it only cost me 43 GBP! (Remember when external hard drives cost like $200 and only stored the memory equivalent to an ipod?) 

Anyway, I was excitedly unwrapping it when Tobie asked how much memory it had.

Me: It holds a terrabyte of memory.

Tobie: How much is a terrabyte?

Me: About 1000 gigabytes...so that is about...um (trying to think of a way to quantify memory size in a meaningful way to someone who only bought his first lap top in the past 2 years).

Tobie: About 1000 computers worth of space?

Me: Pretty much.

God he's adorable.

Really, I love his lack of techie skills because it also means he is not addicted to the computer, he is never texting when you want to actually talk about something, and he never has his cell phone on the table. Love. Love. Love.

Romance Ain't So Bad

After spending an hour trying to find a movie on itunes we settled for turning on the television in the unlikely event that something watchable was on RTE at 2200h. RTE mostly shows reruns of Friends* and The Simpsons. It's 2011 people, enough already with The Simpsons. 

"The Bridges of Madison County" was on and we initially started watching mostly so we could crack jokes about how Clint Eastwood was playing the 'sex symbol' in a romance movie. I hadn't seen the movie or read the book so we decided to stay with it for a while. 

Warning: spoiler for those of you who still have this 1995 movie on your "must see" list!!

Ok, I may get flamed for saying this but...it was actually quite a good movie (as long as you can stomach geriatric sex scenes involving Eastwood). I mean, it was as good and as realistic as a romance from Hollywood can get. Of course, unrequited love movies always hit the soft underbelly of my heart, but some scenes just ruined me!  Oh, the fact that she tried to find him after her husband died...sighhhhhhhhhhhhh. But she couldn't reconnect with him because he was no longer working for National Geographic. Nooooooooooooooo!

This morning I commented that the movie could never be as realistic now because she could have easily tracked him down on google or FB. To which Tobie replied, "yeah, it would have kinda killed the movie if she'd just looked him up on FB after her husband died".

Then again, he would have had a GPS and would have never needed to drive up to a strangers house asking for directions in the first place.


Which, I guess means that new technology has killed any possibility of realistic, meaningful romance movies.

I was just thankful that I didn't meet Tobie after getting married and having two children with a farmer from Iowa. 

--

*Was Friends ever good? I try and go back to my 90's brain and watch it with that question in my mind. I realize that most comedy has a period shelf-life. Unless the person writing it is Lenny Bruce.

Better Late

I sort of dropped the ball on Valentine's Day this year. Tobie had planned to get me a massage as a gift (wicked!) but then I fell in love with this scarf in Galway. And I was given the option to choose.

Chose scarf.

I couldn't find anything for him and I didn't want to buy something just for the sake of buying it.

So I cooked him a Valentine's Day dinner. But like most important meals I make, it was chaos on wheels. I had to go to four different stores to find everything. Buckwheat flour? Ceramic ramekins? What? Oh, and about 2 hours to do the shopping and cooking. I almost always try new things when I am under the gun. No idea why.

Thankfully I had some of the more exotic things on hand (well, exotic by some Irish standards). See I knew those vanilla pods, dried mustard, and bakers chocolate from AVOCA would come in handy some day! Mwahahahahahah!

Initial chaos. Bad idea to try 3 new recipes at once? Um. Yeah. And yes that is a washing machine in my kitchen. Welcome to Ireland.

So these were the appetizers--buckwheat and cheddar blinis with smoked salmon. The recipe is here. Possibly the finest achievement of the night was that MY version actually looked BETTER than the Food and Wine magazine photo! That was definitely a first. Seriously, go look at their recipe. The below photo is mine. Also, I used mascarpone cream mixed with lemon juice, lemon zest, and snipped chives instead of sour cream (as the recipe called for).

The main course was supposed to be this scallops with brussel sprouts dish. But for the life of me I couldn't get my hands on fresh scallops. Of course, the one day I am looking for them, nary a scallop is to be found.

So after much angst and gnashing of teeth, I decided to substitute smoked coley for the scallops in the recipe. And HELLO NURSE! It was actually quite nice, the smoked flavor went well with the pancetta. Not to mention the starving student budget points for saving money on le cheap fish instead of les scallope!

  Oh I should mention, Food and Wine kindy offers wine pairing suggestions. Conveniently I was doing a creamy, fishy appy and main (which probably goes against all the laws of 'treating your arteries right') so one wine cut it. I bought a mid-ranged Cabernet Sauvingon Blanc. I grabbed blind though because my white wine knowledge is even more limited than my red.  It was probably something that had a 'hand selected by SuperQuinn' sticker and '10% off' label on it. But, I have to say, the magazine's grape suggestion was bang on. The crispiness cut the cream and didn't bring out the fishiness.  So good work there Food and Wine magazine on the wine pairings! Do not quit your day jobs.

Dessert was a bit of an adventure as well.  I managed to find these ridiculously cute ramekins on sale. They even came with little lids. God I am a sucker for little lids, it must be a throwback from my early Easy Bake Oven days or something. 

I am a terrible/hopeless/pathetic baker so it is always a gamble when I get on the other end of a measuring spoon. But! My desserts turned out looking like some kinda fancy-schmancy little pots of heaven when I took them out of the oven! (Pictured above). And then I covered them with dessert-wine-soaked cherries and vanilla mascarpone cream--and made them wickedly evil.

A little HDL never killed anyone, right?

So despite the fact that the molten cakes weren't quite as molten as I'd like, and that my timing was a bit off (was whipping the cream while serving the main course, as evidenced by the flecks of mascarpone all over my microwave and backsplash). Tobie was a happy man. And I think I have regained both my sanity and my title as 'best girlfriend evah'.

Tobie was happy. I was happy. Lesson learned. 

Even though I should have been memorizing what antibodies are specific to systemic lupus erythematosus and drawing out the pathways of auto-immunity...I made buckwheat blini.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the gravity of SLE and the importance of keeping up with school work. But you know, sometimes you just gotta make buckwheat blini.

No Mets!

Just received an email from Elaine.

No mets! Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles!!

Her surgeon is confidant that the two tumors are new, low grade, and contained.

She still gets to have her holiday before starting chemo, surgery, and possibly radiation. I can tell by her email that she is is great spirits (she is a great spirit) and I am smiling as I write this. So yes. It is going to be another tough road for her, but she is standing with her fist in the air.

Thank you for letting me worry on this blog, and thank you again for all your virtual support. I am sending her this screen shot to show how most of these dots constitute a thought, hope, prayer, or positive vibe, that was sent up into the universe today for her.

No News Yet

Thank you so much, wonderful people in Blogville, for your kind wishes, prayers, and thoughts.

Today Elaine is hoping to get the results of her additional biopsies. Of course the big fear is what the lymph nodes will reveal.

She told me last night on the phone, how after her routine mammogram screen they noticed some irregularities. She had an MRI and an x-ray. Her surgeon felt something just wasn't right and did core biopsies deep to the scar tissue from her previous lumpectomy.

Her radiologist told her everything was normal, the MRI and ultrasound had showed nothing. She called her husband, her daughter, her son, and told them she was in the clear. Then she saw her surgeon and he told her the cancer was back. His hunch had proved correct.

And we say thank God for medical hunches.

It is strange and wonderful that sometimes a hunch can unearth what no amount of radiation and resonance can.

We are all hoping that the chemo will shrink the tumor and it will be removed later this spring. Sadly, they've had to cancel their upcoming trip to Europe, but they promise to be in the front row for my graduation ceremony in 2013.

Elaine has told me, with a measure of joy in her voice that is mixed with fear and frustration: that she is held up by love and prayers. And this makes me feel a little joyful too.

No Words

I can't even write coherently right now.

There is more to this story which will come soon but for now, please...whoever it/she/he is that you turn to dear readers in your time of asking, please turn to them now and ask for things to go well for Elaine.

Someone I love very much has just found out that her breast cancer has returned. Tomorrow she finds out if it has spread to her lymph system.

The rain is hitting hard against my window and I would give anything to be on a plane back to Canada right now. I am stuck here, halfway across the world, always! It makes me shudder in frustration.

Please put her and her family in your prayers.

Currently Reading

It is seriously blowing my mind. 

And keeping me motivated to stay in medical school. More on this when I actually finish it. 

Allow Me To Introduce, Tobie

So some of you have been reading this blog for a while, and may have noticed the name "Tobie" popping up every now and again. Rather than wondering if he/she is my cat/turtle/lesbian lover/stuffed animal I thought I'd write a post about him.

He. Yes, Tobie is a human male (and quite a lovely specimen of that variety in my humble opinion).

We met on Canadian Thanksgiving last year.

This photo was taken about 10mins before we met.

I had just come in the party, with yet another turkey to add to the carving room. He walked up to me and said, "Hello, my name is Tobie and I am not in the medical program but I am a Canadian". I think he was justifying the fact that he had essentially crashed our party but I was more than happy about it. I gave him the 'welcome' greeting and then proceeded to ensure his plastic cup never became low on wine for the rest of the night. I'd seen him around campus because he lived in my building, and had even met him in passing on the day I moved in. I was very very sleep deprived that day and forgot his name and what instrument he played. Just knew that it was something that could be carried in a small-ish case.

He had been invited by Jack (his roommate, my classmate) to the dinner. I think Jack took pity on his French-Canadian roommate that Thanksgiving weekend and told him to come to our big med-student pot-luck-and-turkey extravaganza. Yes, that was the night we really met. If you enlarge the group shot there is Tobie to the far far left with a >0.5 filled plastic cup in his hand.

Apparently the man knew who I was though. He told me months later that I'd caught his eye at the international student day orientation. As proof he described in detail what I was wearing and the question I asked about scholarships in 3rd year. This stayed below 'creepy' on my radar though because by that time I was already in love and just found it amazing that he could remember so much about me before we even knew each other. The kicker to that story is that he also told me that he'd had a very long chat with another international student during the tea-break. Tobie says he would not know the girl if she walked up to him today, nor does he remember where she was from or what she was studying. Yet he remembers my raisin colored Arcteryx rain coat.

The first conversation he overheard me having with my friend Ryan that day was me dropping a list of expletives while conveying my disdain for the liquid sock-juice that Ireland calls "coffee". Yes,  I know, so classy. I was on one of my rants about the poorly constructed brown drink à-la-Emerald-Isle. He noted my hefty travel mug and knew that I took this beverage very seriously. Apparently this scored points with him though and didn't scare him off.

Six weeks later, a lot of turkey, and a discussion regarding random facts about Chip Taylor (that I thought no one else knew) I decided I wanted to get to know this Frenchman without 60 of my classmates around.

Tobie is an extremely dedicated and passionate musician. He is a violist, though he is also a crack mandolin and violin player. He is studying his masters in orchestral string performance in Ireland for one more year. He studies, he plays, he practices, he writes, he teaches, and then he practices some more.

We've had to spend most of the last 3 months apart and it has been really difficult. This time apart makes it onto the blog because it is part of the struggle and sacrifice that comes with me becoming a physician, i.e. the main thread that runs through my posts.  I write a post about him today because he is part of this journey with me now and where I go in medicine and in life will be with him. Also, I decided that if he was going to have his own label on the blog he deserved a proper introduction.

I should add that like me, he gave up almost everything to pursue his dreams so he gets it. He also prepares a mean BBQ trout, makes me laugh, likes shoe shopping, loves his family, and listens to great music (though he does have questionable taste in podcasts--has anyone ever heard of Fretboard Journal Podcast? Yeah, I lovingly refer to it as the Fretfully Bored Journal Podcast.)

So in a brief handful of paragraphs that is Tobie. When (if) he reads this he is either going to kill me or kiss me! hehehe

This photo was taken about 6 months after we met.

The Highlight of My Day

Tobie left for Canada on May 17th. He had to catch a 4am bus which was a decent hike from the residence, carrying all of his luggage. I was slightly worried that he'd miss the bus, wait at the wrong place, or encounter some highway construction that would thwart his continued efforts to get home (remember this was after his original flight was grounded due to the volcanic-ash-cloud-of-annoyance).

When he arrived he sent me a text to let me know he'd arrived in Dublin.

I sent him a response saying, "I'm glad you made it to Dublin safely, I love you."

But he'd already turned off his cell phone.

So today when he landed in Dublin, he turned on his phone for the first time since leaving in May and (can you see where this is going?) receives a text from me:

"I'm glad you made it to Dublin safely, I love you."

Ain't technology grand?

[Ok I know that some of you are probably rolling your eyes and making little charades of self-induced vomiting, however, there seems to be a hopeless romantic buried inside of me and I felt the need to share--forgive me!]