Introducing...

Dr. Albino Blackbear BSc. N., BM BS (Hons)

It actually happened!

Residency starts...er...in two days! 

I am a terrible blogger. Once the last box is unpacked and internet is hooked up, a proper post will follow. 

Worth It

Things are picking up speed here in the final push to the finish. Suddenly a hundred things are pulling for my attention and I'm remembering the nit-pickiness involved in extricating oneself from one country and moving to another. Annoying things like transferring electrical bills to a different name, showing people the apartment, answering questions about my car to prospective buyers, pawning possessions, cancelling bank accounts and returning internet modems.  Time feels warped in that it seems like an eternity until I am back in Canada, yet there's not enough time to complete all the extracting tasks, study for finals, feed / clothe / wash myself, put petrol in the car from time to time, sleep, and possibly exercise when a window of time and weather presents itself.

Yesterday I was studying with some friends when I realized that we had spent the last 20 minutes discussing which brand of under-eye concealer hides dark circles the best (this may seem like normal conversation to some women but these particular ladies are *not* the make-up discussing types).  This was shortly after we screened each other for depression upon discovering that 'generalized anxiety disorder', 'panic disorder' and 'depression' criteria were starting to hit a little too close to home. We stopped studying psychiatry at that point and moved quickly to cardiology where we all felt slightly safer territory existed.

I woke up a few days ago with a burst blood vessel in my left eye which has definitely hitched up the haggard appearance a couple of notches. I am told that REM sleep can cause blood vessels to burst. Fantastic. This on the heels of 3 straight days of waking up not to an alarm but to the sound of my own teeth, grinding. On the upside I suppose that my face is getting exercise while I am sleeping so...win?

But it's not all cereal for dinner and fitful sleeps.

Today I received a card in the mail from one of my maternity patients. She had been one of those women who labored in such a way that I was in complete awe. I am pretty sure that if (and that is a big IF) I ever have a child I will be the craziest, drug-seeking, wild-eyed, foul-mouthed, sweaty, crying mess. She was this calm, focused, sweet, gracious lady throughout her (analgesic-free!) labor until complications resulted in an emergency c-section. For the duration of our long night together she used hypno-birthing and relaxation techniques to stay calm and work through the contractions. It was an amazing thing to see.

In her card she included the hypno-birthing CD along with a photo of her and her now 5 month old daughter, on holiday in Paris. It was a lovely gesture and a beautiful sentiment. My favorite line from the card being, "I will always have the most amazing memories of my labour...remembering yourself so close in my heart when I think of the wonderful team we had together on that night".

During a week (month? year?) when I have often asked myself if all of this is worth it, I receive this card. What a privileged and beautiful place to occupy in a strangers heart: the place that holds the memory of their child's birth.

Knowing something like that makes up for every single stressful hour. It makes up for being the person who breaks bad news, or the person who has to scavenge for food in the day ward after being in the hospital for 20 hours without a meal break. It really does.

It makes all of this worth it.

FIRST INTERVIEW!!!

Nope! I am not afraid to use the oldest meme on the internet to display exactly how I feel!

Yes, I do believe I have the right to put that title in all caps.

Of course, I've been compulsively hitting 'refresh' on my emails since Thursday which is when some of the IMG programs were rumored to start sending offers/rejection letters out. Last night my mom and I were babysitting my brother's three little ones so I was distracted with the chaos until after their swimming lesson. As soon as they all fell into an "Ice Age" induced trance and I was able to check my email again.

Et voila!! My first offer!!

I screeched, jumped up and down, did some clapping, fist pumping, and then ran into the living room to 4 stunned sets of eyes. Of course my mom was over the moon, but the little-ies just looked up at me from their warm milk like I had completely lost the plot. My niece asking me, "are you a doctor yet?" Um, no....but it looks like I might actually get to be one soon!!

Consultant Crushes and Medical Miracles

I'm not going to get too sentimental about all this. Just hear me out.

There are a lot of things we get wrong in medicine, a lot of things we can't treat, cure, or figure out. But today in clinic I had the opportunity to meet some children who are living (playing, giggling, bright eyed, rose-cheeked) proof that modern medicine can be amazing. Similar sort of feeling to a day I blogged about 2 years ago.

I met a child who had a catastrophic birth with many complications, but because of the swift and expert interventions provided (including total body cooling) has managed to develop with no deficits in any area (physically or cognitively). Today she is an adorable, intelligent, able bodied little bean who seriously rocks pink UGG boots.

Another child who was born with a fatal cardiac anomaly, had surgical treatment, and also is now a happy-go-lucky perfectly healthy little man. I couldn't help but send mental props to the cardiac surgeons like Lillehei* who trialed, and failed, and failed, and developed and perfected surgeries like the repair of Tetralogy of Fallot or the Norwood procedures. If those men hadn't risked their careers and their emotional fortitude 50 years ago, today these children would have died at birth or after short and difficult lives.

My awestruck gaze was only sharpened by the fact that I was working with a seriously butt-kicking-ridiculously-intelligent-biochemistry-genetics-pediatric-metabolic-disorder-expert-ball-of-awesomeness consultant who loves to teach! I hoped some of her brain power might waft over in my direction if I sat close enough to her in clinic (without being too creepy and really invading her personal space).

And so, I return to my reading and eventually the newest episode of "New Girl".  Oh and yes, I am working like mad on my CaRMS application and my new research project. I have a whole post on recent CaRMS trauma in the works...but for now...I'll just say that today was a good day. A perfectly timed reminder of why I am putting myself through all of this.

*Read "Walk on Water" by Ruhlman and "King of Hearts" by Cooley if you really want to know what I am talking about. Both fascinating and unreal stories of larger than life pediatric cardiac surgeons.

First Ultrasound!

Bet that got your attention!

Yes, last night I had the opportunity to do my first ultrasound on a pregnant woman. Can I just state for the record that there are many concepts in medicine that fascinate and perplex me, not to mention the endless list of interesting presentations and procedures. But apparently there is one thing that turns me into a giddy, effusive fool: prenatal ultrasound.

I trundled down to the emergency department last night after my flatmate (and ER nurse) called me in to see some good cases. The doc who was working knows me well so he was happy to have me seeing and working up patients. Early on in the shift a pregnant woman presented with some minor bleeding so he wheeled in the ultrasound machine, flicked off the lights and handed me the transducer.

At first all I could see was fuzzy blobs and fluid and then lo! A vertebral column appears in the darkness! And then I saw the heart, its tiny chambers pumping away. I practically jumped up and down, Look! Look at the heart! Hey, there is a femur, wow! The baby is moving his, ah...or her hands! That is amazing!! 

So maybe I should have played it slightly more cool, but I couldn't help myself. It is quite something to look at a nearly flat and unremarkable belly and then suddenly be given a glimpse into a hidden world that houses a kicking, twirling, fist-pumping little being.

I spent the next portion of the evening smiling to myself as I stitched up wounds and listened to heart sounds.

The little beating heart and those dancing legs were a delightful reminder that there are also joys in medicine, even in the emergency department on a Friday night. 

Thank you, little one. I needed that.

A little bigger but you get the idea, image from here.

The Real Reason, On CBC Today

When I am asked the reason I chose medicine, I almost never tell the truth. I feel a little protective of the real reason and how it might be perceived by others, so I usually reveal some of my less sentimental and more cerebral motivations for becoming a doctor.

But, when given the opportunity to create a small radio piece about my grandad and how he continues to medically inspire me, I happily got to work.

I know it is Christmas Eve, but if you need a half hour break from the chaos, have a listen to a story that is very close to my heart.  Tune into CBC's national radio show, White Coat, Black Art today, or go to the website and stream it at your leisure.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful start to their holiday!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.  Stay safe, keep warm.

I Heard It!! I REALLY heard it.

Small miracles, tiny accomplishments, baby steps forward.

Some days in medical school it feels like the 'teaching' just boils down to constantly being told how many differential diagnoses you forgot, how many signs you failed to elicit, and how many questions you didn't ask the patient. The constant deluge of information and things you ought to know by this point can begin to feel suffocating.

Until a miniscule but measurable gain occurs and suddenly, it seems worth it.

Like today...I actually clearly heard my first heart murmur which I confidently and correctly identified after performing a decent cardiac exam!!!

Pretty sure that at the exact same moment a unicorn was born and a leprechaun discovered a pot of gold.

I honestly thought that heart murmurs would always be a mystery to me and that there would never come a day when I'd be able to do anything other than pretend I heard it. 

But, nay! I heard it. I really heard it. And strangely, that made me smile. All day.     

Small miracles.

OB or not OB?

We have been up to our eyeballs in pelvic floor muscles lately as our last few cases have been covering pregnancy, babies, ambiguous genitalia, labor and delivery. 

Now normally I am not a fan about learning the differences between the somatic, autonomic, and visceral nerve supply to muscles, but I have to admit, knowing the practical applications for managing labor pain has made this memorization a bit more interesting. I am sure it is because I love procedural skills and can't wait to do my first nerve block, epidural, lumbar puncture, and perineal repair. I started thinking about all the hands on work that OB/GYN's do and then having thoughts that were alien to me until now ..."obstetrics? maybe?"

Truthfully, back in the days when I was an annoyingly-militant-vegan-self-righteous-naive-hippie I seriously considered midwifery (not to say that midwives are those things, I am just elaborating on a phase I went through in my early twenties). I even took my doula training and looked into various programs across the country in midwifery. The only thing that really held me back from pursing this career was the fact that Canada has some ridiculously archaic and paternalistic conservative attitudes regarding who ought to be bringing babies into the world. Depending on what province you live in it can be a seriously uphill battle to create a career for yourself as a midwife--that is, no hospital privileges, being shut out by the medical community, lacking public subsidies, and having to conduct only home births without OB back-up. I just wasn't up for the challenge, I guess. 

Fast forward to medical school where I continued to reject the Western approach to birth, until very recently.

We had an OB/GYN lecture us this week. She was Irish but had spent 10 years specializing in the US in high risk delivery and maternal/fetal medicine. Her lecture was delivered in a soft spoken but direct and powerful way. About half way through she stopped on the slide shown to the left, and said,

"I have always wanted to be a part of this event in people's lives. Even when it is cold, dark, and in the middle of the night I love to get up and head to the hospital knowing that this is what I get to be involved in. When the babies start looking the same and I am not thrilled to be there, I am going to quit. But right now, I feel nothing but privilege for being invited to take part in this pivotal moment in people's lives".

She apologized for how hokey it sounded but I felt that it was quite lovely, to hear someone speak so passionately and honestly about their career choice. I suppose it is what we are all striving for when we choose our future specialty, what are we passionate about? Am I going to love living in the O.R, or intubating patients in a helicopter, or prescribing chemotherapy regimes? It is so hard to know at this stage having only seen as sliver of the health care system. But when you hear someone speak from the heart, and they clearly do love their job, it makes you wonder...could I love constantly being sprayed with amniotic fluid and having only female patients for the rest of my life?

Maybe!

OB/GYN Pros:                                                                     OB/GYN Cons:
-lots of healthy patients                                                          -on call, forever and ever, amen
-plenty of hands-on procedures                                              -bodily fluid exposure extravaganza
-O.R from time to time                                                           -bad outcomes are very bad
-emergency situations*                                                           -only female pts
-many good outcomes                                                             -continuity of care
-continuity of care                                                                   -highly litigious
-many happy/excited patients                                                 -crazy women with 5 page birth plans
-immediate results                                                                  -having patient load
-the whole 'miracle of birth' thing                                          -the training

If nothing else, I am trying to keep my mind open to the possibility of areas that I hadn't considered. I know how most medical students start rocking in the fetal position (pun intended) when you mention their OB/GYN rotation but...who knows? Maybe I will be one of the lucky ones and will actually enjoy labor and delivery!

Or maybe I'll just end up with countless pages of blog fodder.

Either way, win!

*I know that sounds twisted...but I am wired to enjoy emergencies for some reason. I blame my mother for not breast feeding me long enough. (Hi Mom!) 


   

Affirmation

It truly was nothing short of a medical miracle.

Today a woman came to speak to our class about what it was like to have Parkinson's.

She told us about how she had diagnosed herself 14 years ago while watching the 1996 Olympic Games. As Muhammad Ali lit the cauldron at the opening ceremonies the commentators made reference to his Parkinson's disease, and in that moment her life changed. She recognized the symptoms he showed as the same ones she had been developing, and trying to ignore.

The woman spoke about when her suspicions were finally confirmed. How she went home from the appointment lost and afraid for her future. She talked about the horrible side effects she suffered from the medication treatment and how walking had become an impossible feat.

As she told her story I started thinking, "hang on...she doesn't appear to have that severe of symptoms". I couldn't see much of a tremor, she didn't appear stiff or show the Parkinson's mask, her gait seemed almost completely normal.

She then spoke about deep brain stimulation (DBS) and how she had had the treatment several years earlier. I vaguely recalled some lecture during nursing school where they mentioned this treatment but I couldn't grab on to any info in my brain. I thought, "wow the treatment must have really worked for her!" Still thinking that they just drilled into your skull, inserted the electrodes, zapped and then took them out.

But she went on to talk about the plastic grommets that the wires go through on her skull and how the pacemaker was near her waist, that she could turn the DBS on or off, or adjust it (within parameters) at will. Apparently some people develop slurred speech or other unwanted side effects so they only turn it on (or up) when they want to move.

I was now sitting straight up. This is clearly a much cooler procedure than I had thought.

The National Institute on Health gives a good summary of the procedure here, but in brief:

"DBS uses a surgically implanted, battery-operated medical device called a neurostimulator—similar to a heart pacemaker and approximately the size of a stopwatch—to deliver electrical stimulation to targeted areas in the brain that control movement, blocking the abnormal nerve signals that cause tremor and PD symptoms.

Before the procedure, a neurosurgeon uses magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) or computed tomography (CT) scanning to identify and locate the exact target within the brain where electrical nerve signals generate the PD symptoms. Some surgeons may use microelectrode recording—which involves a small wire that monitors the activity of nerve cells in the target area—to more specifically identify the precise brain target that will be stimulated. Generally, these targets are the thalamus, subthalamic nucleus, and globus pallidus."

She finished her lecture and then said, "ok now I am going to turn the DBS off so you can see what happens".

With that she pulled a remote-control looking device, held it to her abdomen and clicked a button.

Within moments her arms shook with pronounced tremors, her face changed to an unexpressive stare, and she slowly turned her body in an attempt to walk. She lifted up a jerky arm to show us her attempt to count on each finger but only a profound tremor showed. Her speech became slow but her voice cleared of what sounded like a mild sore throat. She explained that the 'resident frog' in her throat was the only mild side effect the DBS had in her case. With a difficult maneuver she switched the DBS on again by clicking the button.

Her tremor vanished. The frog in her voice returned, her speech slowly returned to its normal tempo and she turned back toward the podium.

I was actually on the verge of tears, even now as I am typing this. I really don't think I am able to convey the impact this demonstration had on me. She was two different people with the press of a button. One would have been unable to drink from a cup and the other had just given a one hour presentation. I really believe that I witnessed a miracle. And I don't use that term lightly. I have been in the room when people who were without a pulse or breath in their body were brought back to life using medications and electricity.

But this moved me in a completely different way.

Suddenly all of the stress, and studying, financial burden, and lack of sleep, became worth it.

Medical conventions often get under my skin. I wonder some days why I am going into a profession that pushes drugs, ignores preventative health, and sees peoples lives as a business.

But if modern medicine means I get to be in the field of work that can do that for patients, I am happy.

Thrilled in fact. And strangely humbled.

It has been a good day.