Last Minute Trip

I performed some shift-swapping wizardry this week to have 5 days off in a row and had originally planned to visit Haida Gwaii. One of the nurses has a guest house there and offered it to me for free for the week. But the long ferry ride and logistics of more time alone in a beautiful new place just wasn't as appealing as when I first dreamed up the idea. Frankly, I have spent a lot of time alone in amazing landscapes and I'm at a place where I like sharing those experiences with people I love now, be it friend or partner. Tobie has never been to the West Coast (I know, how is it possible??) so I decided to save that gem of a location for us to discover together at a later date.

Instead I drained the last of my aeroplan miles and booked a flight to Vancouver to visit my best friend, K.B. She and I have been connected in this world since the time when we both had all of our baby teeth. We were those friends who wore matching outfits and went to summer camp together. She was the one I first snuck booze with from my parent's cupboard, the one whose Barbie mansion I envied, and the one whose trampoline I spent most of my summer on every year. 

As 'grown ups' she and her husband were among the friends who took me in during a difficult breakup, and let me use their spare room as a home base during a year of travel nursing gigs. She also did half of my paper work for medical school applications when I was away in India. 

I studied all summer for the MCAT on her deck and trained with her for my Himalayan adventure. 

It was K.B who knew my MCAT score before I did. I had a connection in Singapore where I was able to check my email and she had sent me the note titled "CONGRATS!" 

She is a big part of the reason I am in medical school today. If they had not been so generous with their home I would have never had the chance to study and prepare as much as I did for both the MCAT and application process. They are two people in a large cast of characters who have brought me to this place, from my Revelstoke family to my genetically linked family in AB to my near-and-dears scattered all over this crazy world. 

I have been so lucky to have such wonderful support on this wild dream-chasing adventure. As I sit here on her deck once again, one year of medical school behind me,  I am brought back to the summers of 2008 and 2009. Often during those muggy days I felt completely lost, with a future that seemed so unbelievably uncertain.  They listened to me cry and witnessed a lot of teeth gnashing, but there was also a lot of laughter and delicious meals, days shopping for things like the perfect salt for a spice rub, and Saturday morning latté conversations. 

I'm so happy that I decided to come here for a tiny holiday, even if I just sit on this deck for the next 3 days. The disequilibrium I used to feel in this chair is gone. 

Here's to friends who have been along for the ride, and being back in my happy place!

Day 1: Packing, Sleeping, Flying

Finally, after 2 am I started packing in earnest. Forgetting, of course, my raincoat. I looked at the pile and pared down a bit. (I'd come to regret the fact that I only brought 1 pair of climbing pants, one pair of sweats, and rain pants for a month of traveling).

Washed clothes, filled stuff sacks, charged batteries, jotted 'notes to self', sorted medical supplies by ailment (gastro, respiratory, blisters, rashes...), checked aamc website compulsively for mcat scores (not there). Finally after 4 am I fell into bed thinking about how it was going to be the last night sleeping with my pillow, my lavender and pine linen spray, and my bedside fan. I thought that due to the harried nature of the previous hours I'd toss and turn in a fitful slumber but instead I closed my eyes and within moments I was sleeping most soundly. Rare for this bear.

The next thing I am aware of is the phone ringing and it is 0730h.

I felt bone tired, my legs ached and stomach rolled from the lack of sleep. I know the ringing phone is my mother, the next thought is, "MCAT!!!"

Stumbled out of bed, stepped into the kitchen, flip open the lap top and logged on. No scores. Sigh. The morning proved to have other obstacles including uncooperative registrar people at my old Uni, some transcripts not yet received...picky paperwork ends that needed tying up.

Still has not sunk in yet that I'll soon be in India. Sure that as soon as I touch down it will come. Just hope the hotel people are there to pick me up so I don't have to deal with being hassled by taxi drivers. I remember how they descend on you like a pack of wolves in that place. Off to the airport. Here goes!

Denouement

When my father died 6 years ago I was given an amazing gift. This gift was seeing people in my life emerge from the mists of the past to stand behind me, around me. It was like a great circle of arms holding me up. From junior high social studies teachers, to former roommates I'd lost touch with, to nearly unknown classmates--I received food, mix tapes, wine, money, hugs, cards, laughter. My childhood friend arrived on the next available flight. And even though this time was difficult, disorienting, and sad...it was also joyful. Joyful because I was able to see how many people cared about me in a time when loneliness would have been treachery. I was stunned and humbled by the love that came my way. And though after it was over many retreated to the background again, I am comforted to know they are there. A silent army of support.

These last few weeks have shown me that network still remains rooted in the soil beneath me. On the days leading up to and after the MCAT* I received many phone calls, emails, and visits. I was contacted by friends, strangers, bloggers, and family members, stretching from the western Arctic to the eastern Arctic, through the US, down to Australia.

People have busy lives, worries, and children...dogs, jobs, and stressors of their own yet many contacted me to say things like, "oh, on the day of your mcat I shut the door to my office at 2 o'clock and just sent you thoughts of peace and clarity for 10 minutes".

Truly amazing. It worked.

The exam was long, and challenging. And if you know me, you know I have terrible test anxiety. I used to get nose bleeds during physics exams and once completely blanked on a chem midterm (forcing me to hand in an empty exam). But on the day of the most important exam of my life (to date) I was calm, cool, and collected. No PVC's, no diaphoresis, no memory blackouts. I answered the questions I could, guessed on the ones that I couldn't. Smoked the essay component. And stayed calm.

So again in a very difficult, stressful time in my life I have been astounded by the thoughtfulness of the people near and far from me, even ones who don't know my name sending me well wishes. My little nephews keep asking, "Auntie, when do you find out your GPO?"--not sure where they get the "O" from but it is still cute. If I heard "I am SO proud of you" once, I heard it a dozen times.

It will still be weeks until I find out my grades and how my shot at medicine is starting to shape up. But honestly...no really, honestly if I flopped it, that will be okay...I was given something separate from grades and admission offers. At the end of this long and arduous road I've been on I was given the opportunity to see that though often these days I feel alone...I am not. And blessings...I have many.

It has been a difficult time, most definitely. The day after the exam I was on the couch staring at the wall for hours wondering where the last year and a half had gone and what I had to show for it. Has this all been worth it? Is medicine really what I want? What are the things I value in my life?

It's a work in progress. Hoping some of that fine Himalayan air will give me some insight.

*(There is one very non-incriminating photo of the post MCAT celebrations on ohtanninbound. Yes there was a wee celebration that night.)

A Whole New World

I've been holding off on making a post because there are so many wonderful things I want to speak to regarding the last 2 days of my life.

A quick note in the interim to all the amazing people (friends, bloggers, family members, professors, strangers) who have given me an unending supply of encouragement over the past year and a half:

THANK YOU!!!!!

It's over baby. I went in, did my best. A challenging exam to be sure.

I will be spending this weekend hiking in the Valhalla mountains to decompress and get ready for the upcomming chapter in my life.

More to follow. But in the meantime--don't worry that I've had a nervous breakdown, shaved my head and abandoned the med school goal for ashram living.

'Twas the Night Before MCAT

Dear Blog Readers (yes I believe that I can make 'reader' plural),

In case you haven't pieced the obvious together I am writing the MCAT tomorrow.

I am desperately trying to be zen about the whole thing, which is proving near futile.

I know that the score tomorrow isn't going to define the rest of my life, and that it will not dictate if I get into med school or where. It may throw a wrench into the "when" part of the equation if I bomb it as I will have to rewrite and reapply (oh JOY!) again next year.

Ahh, next year. I can't even think about that.

This will be the longest and most intense exam I have written to date. So if any of you out there have any vibrant words of encouragement, last minute strategies, personal anecdotes of how you were bombing practice exams and then shone like an Asian prodigy on test day, or tips for what/how much to eat/drink during the 3 alloted 10 minute breaks it would be much appreciated. You can email me at subtleanvil(at)gmail.com if you don't want the blogosphere to know that you soiled yourself on test day but still got into Stanford.

I will spend the rest of the day trying to fight the urge to curl into the fetal position and suck my thumb and/or watch reruns of 'The Office' on my laptop.

1200h MST tomorrow...please send God/Allah/Buddha/Confucius/Mother Earth/Pan/Universe--whatever you believe in--- a shout-out on on my behalf.

Studiously yours,

ABB

MCAT-mares

The first thing that popped into my mind this morning was the Gibbs free energy equation.

I literally opened my eyes and before I could think,

"ahh...it's a new day...I'm going to make myself a coffee..."

I thought:

"Shit! Is it spontaneous if the answer is negative or positive, and what is it if the S is negative and the H is positive?"

This is no way to start the day.

I haven't even cracked biology yet. Exam is a week away tomorrow. Oh. Crap. Make. It. Stop.

Is that a funeral march I hear??

I am Leo Hear Me...er...Study?

Today is my birthday.

So to celebrate my last year as "someone in their twenties" I've decided to do a little comparing to the birthday that brought me into this decade.

Hmm...only a few subtle differences.

Well, at that stage in my life there was a core group of us that became somewhat recognized as a band of creative merrymakers. Ones that were skilled at throwing wildly successful and entertaining theme parties.

I can't really go into details because the last thing anyone needs is a ruined political career...Some of the themes included, "Cowgirl Divas" and "Rockstars and Girls in White Panties" (if you get the Mike Meyers reference you earn 10 points) . Only a handful of these print photos are now starting to show up on Facebook, which makes me thank the gods of modern technology that digital photography was NOT mainstream during my early twenties.

My birthday party's theme was "X-Women" because of the hype around the recently released summer blockbuster "X-Men". Ahem. Yes it was that long ago.

We rented a bar for the night that my friend Shelley owned, which soon became filled with scantily clad super-heroes and heroines. I had even rented a full costume and wig for my "Ice-Queen" portrayal (part of my homage to the Snow Queen, but with a more evil sounding twist).

Oh my oh my was it ever a blast. The bits I remember. I do recall that it was the only time in my life that I needed double sided tape to keep the sides of a white sequin dress from revealing the top half of my birthday suit.

By the end of the night there was a lot of smeared mascara, scattered glitter, sweat-stained Lycra, and beer-soaked feather boas in the bar, making it a birthday that will forever stand out in my mind. Well...excerpts from it will...at least.

Today I am alone. Studying for the exam-which-will-soon-be-dead-to-me. I drove out to hang with my family only to find that the twins are both out of town with their kids for a holiday. It's okay, I'll kick back here in this quiet (air-conditioned-thank-GOD) house and keep myself busy.

This evening I will treat myself to a road ride on MY NEW BIKE!!!!!!!!!! (aka birthday present to self).

And then study some more.

So let's see, 20th Birthday:

-private bar party
-surrounded by friends
-making music
-wearing wig and snazzy dress
-hot rockstar boyfriend
-mind suitably altered for evenings events
-sweaty Lycra
-stress free existance


29th Birthday:
-sweaty Lycra from road ride

Wheeeew! Glad there is at least one similarity!!

Two Weeks Left

At this exact time in 14 days I will be half way though my MCAT.

Excuse me while I go have a panic attack.

Borderline Pleasant

Okay sometimes MCAT studying isn't sooooo bad...

Countdown is at 21 days.

YIKES!

Slogging

This morning I worked on applications to:

Ross University
American University of the Caribbean
University of Calgary
University College Cork
University College Limerick
University College Dublin
National University of Ireland, Galway
Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland
Trinity College, Ireland.

Now I shall eat lunch and hit MCAT books.

Good times.

Bad Day

Today was not so good.

In fact, I had a really really crappy day today. One of the worst I can remember in a long time.

It was not at work. No one spit at me, or swore at me. No co-worker made a snippy comment. No one died. No, I was just here, trying to study for the old mcat. But as previously posted there is some major upheaval in the clan of the Blackbear right now so it made studying attempts futile. I eventually gave up and lived in the blogosphere for a while with a trickle of drool coming down my chin.

Then I attempted to be productive by filling out applications for medical schools. I mean, it only takes half a brain to manually enter every class from the last 6 years of university into an online form. Which, any other day would have filled me with glee and excitement. Would have given me a charge, an oomph. I would have been proud of myself for taking a year off work, going back to school, going into debt, leaving my boyfriend, friends, family behind. I'd be patting myself on the back at how I stuck to my goals and now I have arrived in the place where I can finally start applying.

But it did none of those things.

Nope. It just gave me a great deal of self doubt. Suddenly my grades don't look so good, my volunteer work seems spotty, I never repeated that stats course that I did so poorly in...what was I thinking???

Ireland, Australia, Canada, USA, Caribbean...somewhere...anywhere...I really don't care. Just get me out of the land of The Great Unknown.

Maybe I ought to take up professional gambling...at this point it seems like more of a sure bet.

Back to the Concrete Jungle

After a brief foray at home I am on the road again to Alberta for an MCAT prep course. Nothing like an 8h drive in the heat to make my day. Thank God for books on tape, podcasts, and good music.

Let's see...that puts the total money already sunk into this exam at around, oh, 3500$ (not including gas, travel expenses, and cost to replace clumps of hair torn from head).

I really hope I don't wake up someday soon and decide I am going to pursue becoming a chef instead.

Running lately has been kicking my ass, which has been super frustrating. I miss running in -11 degree weather (my favorite temp). Crisp and dry with my trusty icebreaker on. It is so fine, those cold winter nights. Though I recently discovered road riding!!!! Which I think will be my ticket to sanity while this hot weather lasts.

That is if I can somehow finagle a new bike....hmmmm....may have to pick up a couple more shifts next week...

Anyway, off to the cram course I go!

I Get Knocked Down

So after a brief foray into the depths of self loathing and despair (and just a couple of tears shed) I wiped the snot with the back of my hand and did what I always do in these moments...I reached for my visa.

Only this time it wasn't delicious wine, books, fine cheeses, or a new pair of running shoes I was aiming to use it for. No.

I coughed up the ~1800$ USD for an online MCAT course. Yuppers. I know that these things have mixed reviews from my friends who took the demon test, but I figured if being a couple more k in debt means acing the MCAT then where do I sign? Thanks Kaplan for your easy to use interface and UPS delivery.

Yesterday was a good day after said purchase actually. I studied for several hours and got a sense of how far I have to go (pretty far) to attain a competitive score. I realize now that since I didn't get into XYZ with my academic record my MCAT score is going to make or break my application to other schools.

It just kind of chafes me that there are people out there right now taking the 10 000$ 6 week courses that run all day as prep. That is really what I'd rather do but short of remortgaging my house that is not going to happen (note the words "gag" and "mort" are both in 'remortgaging').
Forgive a Veruca-Salt-type-foot-stamp while I say "It's not fair! I want the 6 week intensive MCAT course and I WANT IT NOW!"

I guess that is just one of the downsides to living in BFN Interior Mountain Town, no such classes in my neighborhood. Or within 500km for that matter.

Back to my new online master.

Oh and, I just signed on the dotted line to pimp myself out for 2 weeks of night shift work on the coast. Should be good for some interesting blog fodder. A tiny ER. Only one RN on nights with on-call doc sleeping in the cast room. Just how I like it. Usually very busy and then very quiet.

Getting (Jack) S*#t Done

Ah yes, the elusive ability to focus.

So now it is Friday and I can take stock of my week of MCAT studying.

Monday:

Rearrange office, unpack boxes from move.
10k trail run. Feels like obese child is sitting on my chest the entire time. Guess I am not over the 'Black Lung' yet.

Tuesday:

Go through files and throw stuff out. Get papers stacked on desk. Arrange pens. Rearrange pens. Surf internet. Upload photos of staggette.
Do practice MCAT. Did OK. Not good enough to get into a medical school score but good enough to keep me from stepping out in front of large logging trucks that roll by my window every hour or so.
Get annoyed by tree being cut down noise all day long.

10.7km trail run. Intermittent obese-child-sitting-on-chest-feeling and one coughing fit. Shaved 8 mins off yesterdays time.

Wednesday:

Blog about aforementioned staggette.
Do laundry. Clean and organize gear room. Pack up ski gear (sniff!). Unpack climbing gear.
Clean spare room, and I mean clean. Even the windowsills get my attention. In the event anyone should ever come and visit they will have mackin' room awaiting.
Get annoyed with mowing noises from neighbors all day long.
Run to pick up car (6.7km), no obese child to be seen or felt.

Thursday:
Cry in bakery over breakfast burrito.
Review wrong answers from previous on-line exam.
Live in blogosphere for a while.
Drink lots of tea and stare wistfully out of window.
Go for 7km run after train crossing thwarted plans to trail run. Feels like I am running through 1 ft deep molasses.
Eat sushi. Read book.

Friday:
Attempt another online exam. Hit QUIT by accident and lose over an hour worth of stupid stupid stupid physics questions.
Get annoyed by crying baby that seems to have appeared at other neighbors house.
Shut all windows and door.
Nearly faint from heat exhaustion in upstairs attic office.
Decide to purchase room A/C soon.
Say "eff it" and go for 11 km trail run.

In summary:

-the week was almost a complete failure with regard to studying
-also appear to be failing in other aspects of life, like personal relationships
-competent at housecleaning (hmmm....)
-have love/hate on for running right now.