Saturday, November 27, 2010

Medical School Makes You Haggard

I often end up turfing or just writing private posts about how much I loathe medical school somedays. I guess I don't want this blog to turn into a whiney drone about stress levels, lack of sleep, nil free time, and nostalgia for Canada. I am sure if I was back in my pre-med shoes again I and I came across posts like that I'd grind my teeth and think about how much I wanted to be in medical school while the world seemed full of undeserving, unappreciative little snots who did nothing but complain about being in medical school.

But let's be honest. I am not feeling the love right now.

I know that it is partly because finals are looming and that just brings my baseline cortisol levels up a notch, but it's also this sinking feeling that I made the wrong decision by quitting my life and coming here to do this.

I've been ruminating on the reasons I seem to have been hard-wired into pursuing medicine and wonder if there would have been any way I could have re-wired myself before I got tangled up in this.

I remember the exact moment that I decided I was going to be a doctor and after that, nothing else even seemed to be a possibility. The problem is that it was my complete awe and admiration for an astounding physician that made me want to pursue medicine. Where my reasoning may have been flawed is that it was the man (my grandfather) that was astounding, not the career. He would have touched hundreds of lives and made a positive impact on the plantet if he'd been a used book seller, or a languages professor, or a farmer, or a school janitor. When you are eight years old though you can't grasp that part of the equation. You just see a wonderful human and think the best way to somehow be like them is to do what they did with their life.

I should be feeling good, I did well on the anatomy spotter. But I just feel, obligated. Obligated to constantly study, review, test myself. Surely it is natural, when something seems to take up your entire existence, to feel resentful towards it from time to time?

I am actually grinding my teeth even when I am AWAKE these days. That is a new one. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't relax. Ugh.

So I apologize to the premeds that might stumble upon this post. But right now I'd rather be anywhere than here.


Grumpy, M.D. said...

Go back and read your best "Affirmation", about the lady with Parkinson's.

Absentbabinski said...

I'm really sorry to hear that ABB :( I'm sure it will turn around - you seem like someone very driven and confident.

This will just be a bump in the road, for sure.

Albinoblackbear said...

Grump--good idea.

AB--thanks...yes I know it will pass, but I figured writing about it is important...its not a true record of the journey if the good, the bad, the ugly, and waking up a 5am in a stress-attack are not part of it!

It can't always be about free running vests and thai soup recipes! :)

Beach Bum said...

You sound almost exactly like I did during my pre-clinical years. And the week before finals, I did more singing than I ever did...just confirming that I still did have what it took, and that if this medical school thing didn't pan out, I could always go back to singing, right?

A few of my old blog posts:

For the moment, just put your head down, put one foot ahead of the other, and keep going. You will make it through.

You are loved,


NPO said...

Follow your Heart.
Like your grandfather you will touch many lives whichever way your path takes you.

OMDG said...

The classroom work sucks. You will feel better once you start working with patients again. I promise.

Keet said...

Don't make me come over there and cheer you up.

Liana said...

I think everyone has moments like this during medical training.

If it makes you feel better, so far this year's ski season has been more rock than snow...

Bostonian in NY said...

I feel your pain. I went through the same frustrations, the same self doubt of why anyone in their right mind would take on something so all consuming and loose themselves in it. I think I reached my peak loathing right around the middle of second year before the holidays...but when I got back from new years, the light was visible at the end of the long dark tunnel

It definitely gets better when you start learning medicine and not just basic science and putting all of that Step 1 material in your rear-view mirror.

Hang in there...the light at the end of the tunnel is just around the corner.

Cartoon Characters said...

This too will soon pass.

I can understand how u feel - somewhat. RN training -university - gave me nightmares for years after....and it's nowhere near what you are going thru now.

Keep your eye on the prize... :) It's worth it!

Albinoblackbear said...

BB--Like the new motif! Outlet. Yes, that is what I miss. I miss music, and skiing, and dinner parties where I could try outlandish recipes. Thank you.

NP--I'll strive for that and be happy with a fraction of what he accomplished. :)

OMDG--I think you're right. I've heard that the Irish aren't as evil to MD students as the US/Canadians are in hospitals. Will be interesting to see...

Keet--get thee and that creepy mustache over here!

Liana--heh, yeah but it is still early! I saw the Pass' snow cam and Whistler just got 21 cms. Grind. Grind. Grind!

BINY--Ok so peak loathing is around this time, that is a good sign because loathing has been at an all time high lately. :) I do already feel an excitement and relief at the prospect of only ONE MORE SEMESTER of PBL!! ohhhhhhh it feels good just to type that...

Cartoon--Yes. Eye on prize. My sister emailed me and reminded me that I will be able to get the AGA stove I've always wanted if I can stick it out. Nothing like hobby toys for inspiration! ;)