Into the Fray

So tonight is the eve of starting clinical placements and my 3rd year of medical school. Just found out I have the wrong shoes for theater (no sneaks or crocs, only clogs with a heel). So I'll be starting off with an inappropriate-footwear-bang!

I've gone through my entire wardrobe trying to find something that is summery-yet-appropriate-and-comfortable-yet-stylish. I do not own anything that fits all of those categories.

I am someone who is always to hot (which is why it is a good thing I came to Ireland over the Caribbean, tomorrow's high: 9 degrees Celsius. No joke). I don't want to be the medical student who looks like she's having a hot-flash tomorrow. Yet somehow the best outfit I could come up with were wool-blend pants and a wool-blend sweater. Nothing else seems right because I want to be as understated as possible tomorrow when I meet my team and Mr. Surgeon. Yes, in Ireland (and the UK, I think) the surgeons are Mr.'s not Dr's. Another odd quirk, like the hot and cold taps.

So, I am nervous and excited. My appetite has been gone for the past few days (which is probably a good thing after fat-camp all summer (a.k.a "studying for the USMLE").

On the upside, the blog fodder will hopefully improve as reading a blog about someone who does nothing but study isn't exactly gripping literature.

Fingers crossed things will go well tomorrow. I've been looking forward to being back in the hospital for so long--I just hope this part of the course will live up to my expectations. I remember so clearly when I was back in pre-req hell and typing up a physics lab, stumbling on Old MD Girl's blog while she was in her clinical rotations. I wished there was some way I could teleport myself to that place in medical school. And now I am here! In my wool suit. Look out world.

Splinters and Successes

I am done (soooo done) studying for the day, but before I crash out for a fitful repose I wanted to quickly post about the USMLE course that I started last night.

Ok so the school didn't pick the best evening to start the class but I figured I'd go anyway, not like I had any other plans from 1900-2300h (ha!) This first session was basically a getting-to-know what we are up against and how to prepare for the exam. It was taught by Dr. Stephen Daugherty via web from Chicago, and moderated by a techie in London. Needless to say we had some technical difficulties and it resulted in him being mic'd through a cell phone for the presentation, but, it worked.

He's actually a very good presenter and I found 90% of his talk interesting and helpful (pretty hilarious in parts as well). His background is in psychology and he appears to have a special interest in watching medical students suffer exam psychology, in relation to medical students.

One thing that really resounded for me though was at the end of the lecture he was talking about successes and failures, mainly around the theme of success on the exam, of course. With that, he made an excellent point, he said that success in medicine (i.e. acing the USMLE) isn't something to be celebrated, it is a splinter that has been removed. It really isn't as pessimistic as it sounds, and I chuckled at the accuracy of the statement. Why didn't someone say that to me TEN YEARS AGO???

For a long long long loooooonnnnnnngggg time I thought that the MCAT was the pinnacle for me. It was like this really big, frightening, monster exam with teeth that dripped blood of recent pre-med wannabes. It seemed like such an obstacle that it took me several years of stalling, starting another career, and studying other things in university before I could muster up the nerve to even attempt the pre-requisites for medical school...then write the MCAT.

Once the denouement of that story was behind me things quickly shifted to the next false summit, getting IN.

Hell. That was a year from hell. The application process and the waiting is horrible. I'd already been rejected once before a few years ago by all the schools that didn't require an MCAT. But, now I felt I'd gotten over what once seemed a nearly impossible event--completing all the pre-requisites and the MCAT. That (massive victory for me) was pretty much lost in the chaos of submitting applications.

Then I got rejected at most schools and got accepted by a few. And I really thought that I'd achieved *the ultimate*. My life-long goal, right? MEDICAL SCHOOL.

Does this sound like I lacked even a shred of self awareness or insight to anyone but me? I honestly shake my head at how absurd it sounds while I write it out. But my profile rant alludes to the discovery that was on the horizon for me. Things don't become PERFECT when you realize a long-term goal. It just means that itch has finally been scratched. That sliver has been pulled out.

And there is another horizon, far far off that my eyes are fixed on now. And things are still frustrating, and upsetting, and annoying sometimes. Things didn't suddenly fall into place for me the day I started medical school. Life is wonderful and challenging and funny and stupid and unpredictable just like it was the entire time I was staring at that false summit of getting in. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate that I have achieved something to be where I am today. What I took a while to discover though is the truth behind the enjoying the journey mentality.

It's good now that I have a different perspective on this, because I catch myself falling back into the "can't wait until" fantasy world. These fantasies about acing the USMLE, or landing the ultimate residency and how things will be so much better then. But they won't be, necessarily. I say that because really, my life was great 5 years ago, my life is great today, and hopefully my life will be great 5 years.

And for now, I just have this sliver in my paw. A big one called "Christmas exams" and another one called "USMLE".

Rant done. Sleep required.

Venue of Vultures

Sometimes when I feel myself only staring at the far-off horizon of being FINISHED medical school, I go back and read through old posts I wrote when I was trying so very damn hard to get INTO medical school. I try and use these reminders of the fact that there are always new hurdles, new accomplishments, new goals waiting after each stage is complete.

This is something I easily forget.

I came upon this old post from my former life this morning. It was exactly what I needed to read.

---

How is it that finish lines can feel so hollow? I was driving home from my exam, the last surge of adrenaline from writing was long gone and had been replaced by the anticipated nausea. I was expecting to feel jubilant. Relieved. Excited. It's strange how coming to the end of a long road can be so anticlimactic.

There have been times in my life where I have felt the pull of endless possibility in many directions so it is a sensation I am already familiar with.

In my minds eye I feel see myself running in a canyon, it's hot and rugged and my head is down to follow the rust colored contours. Running, running, running and then suddenly the ground opens up beneath my feet and I am flying through the air.

So far I have always landed on my feet, but at this juncture I have no idea where that might be. This next year is wide open for me.

So this chapter is closed.

The stage, predominately the basement of the central academic building. Often empty, save for a few random people (who also know where the electrical outlets are) playing video games or watching youtube. During the day the large picture windows let you see what you're missing. By night, there is no way to shift your weight to make those fixed plastic chairs comfortable. And generally, around this time the night cleaning crews arrive, and with them the cue to head home.

My last night studying in CAB. 

A major player and ultimate ally here at the university, Raj. This man met me almost every morning and every afternoon, for a total of 3-4h a day to tutor me through the wonderful world of organic chemistry. For the last 6 weeks I've robbed him of his opportunity to sleep in, and any opportunity to eat dinner outside the bowels of the chem building. Raj--you ROCK!

And now for the best part. The last act, the celebration! 

I was sitting in the students union building a few days ago when I looked up and saw Paul. A good friend and former partner in truancy, vandalism, and general adolescent skulduggery. I haven't seen him since we graduated from high school. It was strange looking at him and seeing a man's face superimposed on the image of my 17 year old version of him. As Friday was his last exam for his most recent degree and my last exam in year of pre req hell, we thought it fitting that we ring in the New Reality together. And as an added bonus, his roommate Jaison was also a friend from high school who I'd often hoped I would connect with again someday.

So we ate, drank, and were merry!

There really is a special connection that we carry with people who have been in our lives during the tumultuous and wondrous time which is our coming of age. I generally shudder at any thought of high school or the people that I was forced into spending it with, so it was amazing to spend an evening reacquainting a couple of dear friends who had been red balloons in a gray landscape.

So for now, I am free of the venue of med-hopeful vultures. Free to spend time with the important people in my life, time in my kitchen, and time on the trails. And for all of that, I am happy.