I MATCHED!!!

Into what specialty do you match the girl who loves everything?

RURAL FAMILY MEDICINE!!!

I felt that this post needed to be written today. So despite the fact that I am running on 1.5 hrs of sleep and am still trying to grasp the outcome of yesterday's events, I wanted to update the blogosphere. 

The last few weeks seemed to drag on with painful anticipation. I spent many sleepless nights trying to sort out how to rank, and trying to decide what I truly wanted to be. After I submitted my list to CaRMS I started really doubting my list order. I mean, really started doubting. I had what can only be described as pseudo-panic attacks where I would go around and around in my head all the possible outcomes of the match. What would make me happy now? In 5 years? In 10 years? What was going to be able to give me the life that I wanted outside of work? What could provide me with the chance to write, maybe do some more work for CBC, travel, have flexibility, allow me to keep my athletic pursuits up, and also just enjoy big and small adventures with Duncan (I know, I know...I am introducing this character late in the game but he deserves his own post later). I've been wrestling with my first love (emergency medicine) and my new love (obstetrics) and trying to decide which of the two I wanted to do. Then I would be in clinic and see a few kids and think, "But...peds! I LOVE PEDS TOO!" or I'd meet the most fly 87 y.o lady who'd reinforce my hope for aging awesomely and I would mourn the loss of elderly patients. Also? It turns out I really enjoy continuity of care in my life. It just brings a whole other layer to job satisfaction for me.

I know, could the writing on the wall have been any more obvious?! I love getting off the beaten track, away from throbbing mega-hospitals and being somewhere that I know the radiographer's names as well as the name of the woman who serves the casseroles in the cafeteria. I don't want to live somewhere that people look at your handbag, not your face when they see you in the street. I don't want to take a subway to work or require reservations every time I go out. I am a country girl who loves country medicine. I don't know why it took me so long to come back to that, and accept it! 

So when I saw that I matched in rural family medicine, I thought..."Of course!!!" But I've forgiven myself for not knowing this a long time ago. I allowed myself to contemplate other areas of medical specialization to the furthest degree. When I said that I was going to just experience medical school and see what I liked, without preconceived ideas, I DID that. And this is where I ended up. It feels very full circle-ish to me. Now I get to do everything! Peds, obs, emerg, women's health, sports medicine, chronic disease management, surgical assist, palliative, hospitalist and down home family medicine. 

Some weird and wonderful things that have crossed my mind in the last day. 

I matched in the first program that I interviewed at. I adored the program, the people, the location. But I was guarded and wondered if part of my swoon was attributable to the fact that I was fresh and excited about interviews. I mean, initially I was so delighted with the place that I thought about not going to any other interviews. But then realised that would be a ridiculously bad idea for someone like me (a lowly IMG). I kept going back and comparing each subsequent program with that first one. Wondering.

When I was driving into the town (where I ended up matching) I came to a bridge and had a very strong sense that I would end up crossing this bridge a thousand times. I loved the look of it, I think partly because it reminded me of a bridge near my house where I grew up in Alberta. It was one of the few photos that I took during those two weeks of interviews, but it is my favorite. Looking at it, I can remember exactly that sense of predicted familiarity and how my heart had already started to feel tied to the place. It was strangely powerful and most unexpected.

Then last week, I had a dream that I matched to my program. In my dream I was shrieking and celebrating and telling myself that this was the perfect thing, and that I was so happy with the way things worked out. Of course when I woke up I felt the stress and worry creep back in as consciousness returned. The dream had been so vivid. That was where I wanted to go. What if I matched somewhere else?

I recently started on a new rotation with a congenial, fiercely intelligent, slightly quirky, banjo-playing dermatologist. When we met he asked what specialties I had interviewed for while I was in Canada. I told him, but I didn't say where in Canada any of these programs were. I told him about my previous life as a nurse in Nunavut and the NWT. A little while later he was introducing me to a patient and said, "This is ABB, she is going to be a family doctor in northern Saskatchewan". Now, again I will say that I hadn't told him where I was interviewing, and I have yet to find many Irish people who can even pronounce "Saskatchewan" let alone use it in a sentence. I mean, most Irish people know Ontario because their cousins always live in Toronto, and they've all been to Niagara Falls. Funny because it is true. So the comment from Dr. R threw me a little, but I didn't say anything to him about it, I just made a mental note. Innnterrrrresting. 

And now I am here. A little like a dog spinning around before he lies down. I still haven't fully grasped that the uncertainty, that has been hanging over me since I started on this journey over 5 years ago, has lifted.

I have a job as a doctor in Canada.

Let me just say that again on the off-chance that it sinks in.

I have a job as a doctor in Canada.

And it is a bloody good thing (as I am ~$250 000 in debt!) And an exciting thing. I am beyond grateful and excited to start on July 1st. I feel like I've been in the starting blocks for years. As a nurse I hoped some day I would become a doctor, and then as a medical student I had to deal with being slightly taken away from direct patient care. Mostly watching others do the nursing and doctoring. I've been striving, waiting, chomping at the bit for this responsibility.

This past week especially I've had a most distractible mind. My normal regime of night-before ironed work clothes, packed lunches and leisurely breakfasts has disintegrated to eating dry cereal and turning my underwear inside out instead of finding time for laundry...

But tonight I eased myself back into life. I cooked a delicious pot of veggie chilli, did loads of laundry, and sat down to write this post. The lack of sleep last night is catching up with me but I am happy.

It seems I've gradually started living my way into the answers. I cannot believe that I can actually say,

"I am going to be a rural GP!"

At the risk of extending this stream-of-ramblingness any more I just want to also say that over the years this blog has given me a great outlet and a wonderful connection to people all over the world. Even when I've felt like a tiny medical student, hidden away in a dark study room for weeks at a time, I felt connected to the people that read and commented, or took the time to write. I have made great friends and kept in touch with old ones through Asystole and I feel like it has given me many gifts on this wild ride.

And so writing this post for those of you that have been following along, gives me so much pleasure! Thank you all for the words of encouragement, advice, offer of cars, couches, lifts from the airport...for mailing forgotten bathing suits, buying me giant soup pots, sending mugs, meeting me at airports, buying me lunch and even the odd train ticket.

Expect the unexpected. Or maybe what was right in front of you the whole time.

Well That Wasn't Easy

So I finally submitted my rank order list. Those of you who have gone through this whole process please skip the following couple paragraphs. Actually, just skip to the bottom of the post.

After interviewing for residency jobs the candidate has to rank the programs in order of preference. The programs do the same, they rank the candidates in order of preference. These lists are kept confidential so neither the candidates nor the programs ever find out who ranked what / where (theoretically). These lists go into an algorithm which "matches" the program the candidate wanted the most with the program that ranked him/her the highest. The algorithm favors the candidate. What that means is...(by the way, I am explaining this for the 117th time in the last 3 weeks so from now on I will be referring people to this post rather than reciting my little speech)...I will be matched to a program I really want over a program that really wants me. 

An example. I interviewed for several programs. Let's say every program I interviewed for had three IMG positions (this was not usually the case, most places only had one IMG position but this is my fairy tale blogland).

-If the program that I ranked first ranked me in their top three then I match there.

-If the program that I ranked first didn't rank me in their top three then the list goes to my number two choice.

-If my number two choice ranked me in their top three then I will match there.

And it goes down the list like that until I match (hopefully).

-Now, conversely, if I am ranked number four at my top choice, but their top three match somewhere else, then I get bumped up the list and would be their new first choice, thus I will match there. And so on.

So the programs have already submitted their rank order lists which is why I feel like I can be slightly more open about the process now. Well, a tiny little smidgen more open.

I spent the last 3 weeks in a career choice mulling daydream. I emailed former colleagues, texted friends, called my boyfriend, mother, and siblings to ponder out loud. I dropped in on past professors, lunched with career idols, and lay awake at night trying to figure out how I wanted to rank the programs. See the thing is, I interviewed in 3 different specialties...all of which I truly enjoy and all of which I see myself being happy in, ultimately.

These are examples of my considerations for some of the different programs (in no particular order...heh):

1. LOVED the residents, they sold the program very very well. The faculty were very upbeat and relaxed. They had really put a lot of effort into the call schedule and maximizing learning. Great access to outdoor adventures, training tailored to someone who wants to work in rural setting. Research project support as well as required classes on medical education that count towards a masters. Downsides were that the city is sketchy, the winters are brutal, and it is pretty far from the Rockies.

2. LOVED the program, very similar to one above. Brand new hospital, great call schedule, opportunity to engage with the community in interesting ways, very flexible and supportive of residents cultivating their interests within the program. Far from international airport, smaller population, lower volumes, loads of hands on training though as no competing fellows and fewer co-residents.

3. LOVED the institution and what it represents. State of the art training labs, simulators, anatomy sessions. My favorite location by far, bigger but not too big. A program that would definitely support any type of practice I might want to pursue down the road. Close to great recreation, international airport, major city.

4. LOVED the program director. Again, a lot of flexibility, support for master's training. BIG centers, huge volumes, massive exposure to EVERY POSSIBLE THING YOU COULD EVER WANT TO SEE. Big city, big rent prices, big drive to anywhere green and pretty. Very, very far from the Rockies.

And so it goes. Every place I interviewed had similar pros and cons. I tried to sit down and mathematically create an answer to my dilemma. I made categories like "recreation options" and "location" and "academic advantages" and I gave each place a rank for each category. But when I looked at it in the end, I was favorably ranking the programs I really hoped would come out on top, not necessarily objectively tallying the sums.

In the end, I ranked all of the programs I interviewed for. I suppose that my top four choices are all places that will make me jump up and down if I see them on my computer screen on March 5th (match day). My remaining choices will all be perfectly acceptable starting points that will get me where I need to go (and I suspect may be hidden gems).

I do believe that in 5 and 10 years I will look back at this time in my life (the rapidly approaching fork in the road) and laugh at where I thought I was going...and where I actually ended up.

Gathering Thoughts and Dirty Laundry

I am a horrible blogger these days, I know.

It has been an absolutely wild ride recently. I have spent the last 3 weeks on the interview trail, living out of my suitcase, in rental cars, spare rooms, hotel suites. I am back in Ireland, on a nephrology rotation, and pseudo-homeless (as in, I have been looking for a place to live since I returned a few days ago).

I have a week to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life (and where I want to live for possibly the next 10 years). Yes, in one week I am submitting my rank order list. It is basically a wish list, in order of preference, of where I want to do my post graduate training. 

So once I've officially unpacked, set up my internet, done some soul searching, eaten some non-restaurant food, had some exercise and a full 6h of uninterrupted sleep...I will write an actual post.

In the meantime know that I am alive, wrestling with a major life decision and an ever expanding pile of dirty laundry.

3 is better than 2

Woke up this morning, still feeling hellish from the apparent TB* that I caught before coming home from Ireland.

It was my usual routine of

1. regain consciousness
2. realize where I am on the planet
3. worry about having a job on July 1st
4. hit 'refresh' on my phone to see if any emails have come through.

BAAAAAZIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!

Let me tell you, after all the rejection emails I received when applying to medical school in Canada, seeing the subject heading "Invitation for Interview" is a sweetness I can't even describe.

Without taming the Medusa-like mane, or smoothing out the red flannel pajamas, or brushing my teeth, I walked up the stairs into my sister's kitchen, phone held high in the air. My brother in law saw the rising iphone and said,

"Ooooooohhhhh!!!! I THINK WE'VE GOT ANOTHER INTERVIEW!!!!!!"

Cue familial happy dance.

--
UPDATE: Just received 2 rejection letters. Sigh. Keeping me honest, I suppose.

*I didn't actually catch TB. I just have a horrendous respiratory tract infection which I cannot seem to shake, though no night sweats, weight loss, or hemoptysis (for the record). 

FIRST INTERVIEW!!!

Nope! I am not afraid to use the oldest meme on the internet to display exactly how I feel!

Yes, I do believe I have the right to put that title in all caps.

Of course, I've been compulsively hitting 'refresh' on my emails since Thursday which is when some of the IMG programs were rumored to start sending offers/rejection letters out. Last night my mom and I were babysitting my brother's three little ones so I was distracted with the chaos until after their swimming lesson. As soon as they all fell into an "Ice Age" induced trance and I was able to check my email again.

Et voila!! My first offer!!

I screeched, jumped up and down, did some clapping, fist pumping, and then ran into the living room to 4 stunned sets of eyes. Of course my mom was over the moon, but the little-ies just looked up at me from their warm milk like I had completely lost the plot. My niece asking me, "are you a doctor yet?" Um, no....but it looks like I might actually get to be one soon!!

Waiting

Time...goes...by...so....slowly! So...slowly!

Hey, so have I mentioned that 'tis the season of CaRMS, interview offers, interviews? Yes, OK, probably once or twice.

Whaaaaattttt? You are tired of seeing the word CaRMS?

Believe me, so am I. My apologies. It is just that right now, whenever the constant chatter in my brain stops to take a breath, the word CARMS appears and I descend into one of my thought spirals of:

what if I don't get any interviews?

what if I get loads of interviews for jobs I really want?

what if I have interviews during my surgery elective in Ontario?

what if I don't get a job next year in Canada or Ireland?

how am I going to start paying off my suffocating debt?

am I going to work as a nurse next year?

do these flannel Christmas pajamas make my bum look big?

and so on... 

Ack! Waiting!!! 

“...of all the hardships a person had to face none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.” -Hosseini

File Review Starts Today!

Dearest Readers,

Today all of the programs start reviewing the mountain of applications for residency positions. That means that today is when the "Yes!" and "Hell NO!" piles are made. On average each IMG seat has >100 applicants vying for an interview. The programs typically give about 3-8 interviews per position. I'm no mathematician but those odds are not ideal, to say the least.

So, as of now I ask that you cross your fingers, and all other paired appendages for me (ok, well not all...I do want you to keep your gonads) . If you're a praying person, throw up a few prayers. If you're a wiccan / pagan / animalist scatter some ground up chewable aspirin into the wind while chanting "grant ABB an interview".  

It's exciting, and frightening, and nerve wracking all at the same time. Pretty sure that is why I woke up with a gut ache this morning. Or maybe that was secondary to the paroxysmal coughing fits I was suffering all night (upside to coughing fits--sore abs! See post below).

I do take small comfort in knowing that up to this point in my medical career I did absolutely everything that I could, with every fiber of my being, to succeed at this stage. If I don't get a residency in Canada, well...I've got plan B and C simmering away on the backburner.

Alea iacta est. The dye is cast.

I am trying to let go and know that wherever I end up is absolutely where I am meant to be, even though it may not be where I think I ought to go. But I am still allowed to hope for certain things. Right?

Forced Silence

It's weird not being able to write about the biggest and most important development in my medical education to date. Tonight I finished the final touches on my CaRMS application (for Canadian residency program). All my documents are uploaded, fees paid (ouch), letters in, and programs selected.

Now all I do is wait.

And attempt to get a good night's sleep.

I'd love to write about all the thoughts I've been having on my future career prospects, what I really hope to match in, where I really want to live and study. But I can't! The truth is, this blog is so easily linked to my name if anyone wanted to do a quick google search on their future resident it'd only take 2 seconds to find a treasure trove of ABB rambles on life and career choices.

So, as part of the game I can't really say where I applied or what I applied to. If you're reading this, dear Program Director, then rest assured yours is the ONLY program I want!

It has been a helluva few months. Between studying for the EE, hospital presentations, the Case Competition, my placenta study, school work, and CaRMS applications I truly have not had 2 days off in a row since I came back here in July. Even when I went for a little getaway weekend trip to Cromane I was working on personal letters most of the time. Now I have less than 2 weeks left in this rotation and then I am back to Canada for 8 weeks! Yep. I haven't been home for Christmas for NINE years. It's going to be unreal. Yes, I will be working on a lit review and doing an elective in general surgery but I will also be getting in some skiing, hot yoga-ing, novel reading, soup making, spinning, visiting, sleeping, studying, and full-on relaxing. And hopefully...residency interviews!!

Ahhh, it's going to be so good.

I will start finding out about possible residency interviews in roughly a month. Will keep the blogosphere posted, so to speak. And also, I hope to finally write about life for the last few months. There have been so many wild ups and downs. I feel like most days I am barely able to process what has happened before the next wave hits. Life moves so fast, in 1.5 weeks I am officially halfway through final year.

Thanks for coming along for the ride!

My current mantra.

Silent High Fives

So today I found out that I passed the MCCEE (the first of about 42 exams that I'll be writing as part of my Canadian licensure). 

Yes, it is great that I passed but I need to score >95th percentile if I actually hope to be invited for any residency interviews in Canada (I know that I am prone to exaggeration but this is one time when I am just stating a cold hard fact). My actual score will be released in the next few days. I've already decided there is NO WAY IN HELL I am checking my grade while at the hospital. 

Today I was in the library working on CaRMS between tutorials (and saving lives, and stamping out disease) when I received the email that I had a "communication from the medical council". Instant armpit stains. Several of my Canadian compatriots were also in the library and it didn't take long for the ripple of "Shit what is my password? What is my username? How did you log on? Was it your email? Was it the MCC site or the PCRC site" commentary to pass through the room. Followed by a second wave of "I passed", "Did you pass?" and then quiet high fives and quick hugs and stifled "Woohooo"'s. 

Joanna broke half her remaining MARS bar in two and we toasted our quarter pieces in victory, mini as it was. 

I've been putting the whole EE thing in the back of my head, categorizing it as "A Worry I Can Do Nothing About". Things in this category are strictly not allowed to keep me up at night or monopolize my waking thoughts. But now, now it has surfaced and the thought of opening that web page next week to see my score already turns my guts to water. 

Living the dream. Living the dream. Living the dream...

Life style.

Because I have been working on my residency applications and trying to sort out my future career, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what the concept of "life style" means. Whenever I mention the areas of medicine that I am interested in people always comment on life style. Somewhere fitting in the statement, "You should go into family medicine, it's the best life style."

At which point I want to put 6 inches of duct tape on their mouths.

If I go into family medicine it will be because I want to do primary care and live in the hills, be involved in community and do some extra training in EM, OB/GYN, or sports medicine. It will not be for the life style. Please do not try to sell a career to me based on the merits of how good things will be when I'm not at my job.  I want to choose my career based on how much I will enjoy being at work. Tell me to go into family medicine because you love your work, the fact that you enjoy the variety in your patient population, the continuity of care, the portability, whathaveyou. Not because of the life style.

[Because I plan to take most of this post down before submitting my CaRMS application I am going to be totally honest here.]

I am applying to emergency medicine, obstetrics/gynecology, and family med. I thought long and hard about general surgery as well, but realized that I actually LOVE the surgical component of OB/GYN more than the heavy scope and gastrointestinal component of gen surg. So, at this moment I am not applying to surgery. When people ask, and I tell them my choices, I am constantly told that I shouldn't do OB because of the life style.

Instead of a verbal reply to that from now on I want to hand over the following quote by a pediatric cardiac surgeon, from the book Walk on Water by Ruhlman:

You go through med school and they say, 'Oh, don't be a surgeon--lousy life style'. It's a mantra in med school: 'Life style, life style, life style.' Do you go into emergency medicine or do you go into...life style? I see people doing things that are really hard and uncomfortable, but they do them anyway because they're passionate about their work. I want to do that. I see someone turn off his beeper because it's one minute after five o'clock--is that being a doctor? This is why surgery is the wrong choice for someone like that: no life style. That is what it comes down to, either you go with what you're passionate about, or you go with life style. 

I basically want to stand up and do a slow clap every time I read that passage.

It really is amazing, the responses I get when I discuss my future career aspirations. People will nearly always respond with a disparaging comment. It's reminiscent of when I was in the application process for medical school, actually. I would often get, "Why would you want to do medicine?" or "I almost did medicine but then decided I wanted a life and family instead", "Medicine is so hard to get into", I could go on.

I said to one of the OB's at work a few weeks ago that I was applying to obstetrics. His response, "So, you don't enjoy sleeping through the night then?"

What is the matter with these people? Hellllooooooooo?!

My career will be a big part of my life. If I love my work I will consider myself to be blessed with an amazing life style.

That is, of course, if someone will give me a residency first!! :)

CaRMS Chest Pain

You know that feeling you get when you realize you may have made a major, life plan threatening mistake? When, in an instant you feel the blood drain from your face and limbs, and your stomach takes up residence in the back of your throat?

Yeah. I had one of those recently.

I was calmly working away at CaRMS, putting in all of my volunteer, work, clinical experience. Filling in dates, ticking boxes, clicking on drop-down menus. It was Saturday night at around 1am and I was starting to get very tired, losing my ability to focus. But I was buzzing from reading program descriptions and fantasizing about where I might be a year from now. So I kept on a little longer than I probably should have.

I wanted to finish this last section and then go to bed. I came to the program selection area and when I saw the big shiny "SUBMIT" button I figured it was just with regards to payment (my application far from being finished).

So I hit "SUBMIT" and then realised that I had, in fact, made a very large mistake. My body was instantly unsure of how to contain it's fluids. Sweat soaked my shirt, then I nearly vomited and peed myself at the same time.

In my mind I saw myself spending 2013-2014 with a micropipette in some dimly lit lab, tucked away under a hospital stairwell somewhere. Hiding from both the bank and my mother. I then remembered hearing stories of people who didn't match due to clerical errors, and those who missed a form here, a deadline there. I saw myself becoming a CaRMS urban legend.

I frantically sent a FB message to my friend Rob who went through this process last year, I think the word "crisis" may have been heavily overused.

Robert say, "nothing you can't fix". Grasshopper calm down.

He may look like a normal guy, but he's actually a little CaRMS Confucius. An Online Residency Application Oracle. Despite being on the drive home from a shift in Detroit he kindly messaged me back and called me as soon as he got in, talked me down from my window ledge and explained that all was not lost. I actually think I would have gone crazy if I'd had to wait until Monday at 0900h EST to call the helpdesk. By about 0300h my breathing had retured to my lung bases, gastro and urinary symptoms had disappeared and my tremor had resolved. It's nice to have 24h free support line!! So thaaaannnnnnnkkkkksssssss ROB!!!! (He is one of the 10 of you that hasn't given up on the blog!)

Oh I cannot wait to have this all finished and to start finding out about interviews.....eeeeeeeeeep!

Back to the land of tick boxes and drop down menu. Tedium, thy name is residency applications!!

Hello, World

No, I haven't drowned in a giant puddle of amniotic fluid.

I am loving life here in OB/GYN but just absolutely wrecked and savaged by work right now. Did nights through the weekend so am currently on my 10th day in a row at the hospital, am working on a Grand Rounds presentation for Friday, applying to CaRMS, writing up assignments...oh and I started collecting data for a new study yesterday.

I have a mouth full of canker sores and an ever-expanding derrière due to stress and lack of exercise.

But I'm good. I'm gooooooood.

Stories to come. Once the dust (er....fluids?) have settled.

In the meantime: birthing babies = awesome. 

It's 1723h and I am Still in My Pajamas

The main thing I am currently trying to do is decide if I should or should not have a hot chocolate right now. I am still in my pajamas, and unshowered. All I've done today is clear the dining room table of stacked medical books. And I've eaten some snacks. And stared at the wall, in the typical now what? post-exam flat lined brain.

The exam was, a marathon of concentration but not too bad (except that I accidentally brought a mint chocolate flavored nakd bar with me as a snack---ahh I HATE MINT CHOCOLATE!) I am sure the prometric center lady thought I was a loon when she saw me pulling out the reams of food I had to declare prior to the exam. I just never know what I am going to crave or need to eat during times of extreme panic/stress but what I do know is that if I get hangry then I might throw the computer through the window. Yogurt, coconut water, almonds, apples, nakd bars, granola bars, water, more yogurt...I had a little tower of food placed atop the filing cabinet. I ended up chucking the bar in the bin after one bite, drinking a yogurt at race pace, and slamming the coconut water. I used almost all my time, just finishing the last few questions at the 3h 54 minute mark. I blame this on being ridiculously fastidious for the first 80 questions and then realizing I had 100 questions left and just over 100 mins left. It's been a while since I ran an exam marathon, cut me some slack.

After finishing I sped back to the hotel to shower, and check out. Then I zoomed over to the Operation Smile Dublin office to meet some of the staff involved in organizing my upcoming mission. While sitting in my car outside of the office, about 1hr after leaving the exam, I felt my pulse and noted that it was still >100 bpm. I tried to tell my adrenals to cool it. The saber toothed tiger was gone, I no longer needed 180 degree vision. I probably looked like a feral insurance saleswoman when I clunked in, suddenly very hungry and slightly wild eyed with a twitch to the right side of my mouth.

It was a very relaxed meeting and after chatting for a while the two of them stated that due to my arctic experience they should send me on one of their "really remote missions". Yes!! Well maybe they also were thinking that based on how I presented myself to them: better to tuck me far far away from any promotional material photo opportunities.

After that I was able to kick off my heels and head for the hills. (Well, shortly after a trip to my favorite deli in Dublin to stock up on essentials like Chile Hot Chocolate, truffle oil, and nice cheeses!) Drove out to the wild west coast and spent the weekend by the sea eating fantastic food, drinking Champagne, climbing up mountains, sleeping in, strolling around manicured gardens, sipping coffee, and just generally remembering how it felt to be human.

So thanks a million for all the lovely comments and emails of encouragement. It really means a lot coming up to an event like that.

Of course there are things already tugging at my sleeve to get started, like CaRMS, writing up my Grand Rounds presentation, school work...but not today. Or at least, not until after that hot chocolate.

The Burden of Work

As I plod through drop down menus and hustle reference letters, I try to remind myself that I am thankful to have the burden of CaRMS. 5 years ago when I started the process of summer school organic chemistry courses I didn't even know if this day would ever arrive. But here I am, gathering all the little stones and jewels of experience from the last ten years, shining and presenting them for various selection committees, hoping to catch the eye and interest of some program director.

Obviously my thoughts are overrun with pre-exam stress (my Canadian board exam is a week from tomorrow) and the uncertainty of my future, but I am trying to stay positive and focus on one day at a time living.

And I reminded myself of what Kahlil Gibran writes about Work, and use that to keep it all in perspective.

Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,
And in keeping yourself with labor you are in truth loving life,
And to love life through labor is to be intimate with life's inmost secret.

But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written...

...Work is love made visible.
And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.
For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.
And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine.
And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night.

Welcome To the Jungle - 2012

Things are starting to pick up momentum here on the wild west coast of Ireland. Exams are exactly two short weeks away (eep, why I am I still typing this blog post instead of memorizing differentials for fatigue??)

A brief look at life for the next few months:

May
-exams
-pack up house
-move things / car into storage
-fly home

June
-start pediatric emergency elective in Alberta (4 weeks)

July
-have a week 'off' (see below for what will actually be happening during 'off' days)
-start gastroenterology elective in Nova Scotia
-start CaRMS application process (Canadian post-graduate application)
-have 10 days holiday to study for MCCEE (Canadian board exam)
-fly back to Ireland, find place to live / move in / start psyche rotation

August
-study for boards while doing psyche rotation while working on CaRMS

September
**Canadian Board Exam**

October
-CaRMS and obs/gyne rotation

November
-Submit CaRMS
-collapse from exhaustion

December
-hit 'refresh' on email inbox until residency programs start emailing
-possibly decide that I'll stay across the Atlantic for post-graduate training

Just typing all of that gave me a facial tic. I may have to start playing this song everyday when I get out of bed.