Where Am I Going Again?

As I mentioned on twitter this afternoon, when I pack I am sort of like a dog circling a spot before lying down. Only my ritual seems to involve spinning around for hours. Packing has the tendency to flare up an attention deficit problem and I find myself vacuuming, baking, cleaning my hard drive, flossing, and online shopping while stuffing random articles into my suitcases.

This trip home is exciting and a little unsettling at the same time. I haven't been back to Canada for Christmas since 2008 so naturally I am looking forward to watching some crisp moonlight snowfalls with the Nana Mouskouri Christmas album playing in the background. I can't wait to see my mom, Tobie, his family, my good friend Liz...the Arab grocery store in Montréal that I love.

The unsettling part is that I don't know how long I am going for, and where I'll be for January. It is a little difficult to pack when you don't know if you'll be spending a month in Arizona or Nunavut, a GP office or an O.R. We're talking a lot of variety here. Heels? Hikers? Nylons? Blouses? Scrubs? Sneaks? Not to mention which books I'd bring based on the place / rotation. I am still trying to arrange something but my most recent lead is looking unlikely now as well. I found out this week that I also didn't get any electives at the University of Ottawa for the summer. Have I mentioned that I am tired of feeling like a medical pariah an outcast? Is this blog post turning into a pity party? Maybe...

So now, instead of coming back to Ireland at the end of January it looks like I might be flying straight back after New Years. Sigh. I just want an opportunity to learn, and to get some hands-on experience.  It is really disheartening to constantly feel doors close in my face when I am working hard and putting myself out there. It is true that at every turn medicine asks, how badly do you want this??

OK. That is enough whining. 


On a happier note...the ginger cake that I made today turned out beautifully. I may be turning a corner in this whole baking thing. Yes, yesterday my kitchen did look like I'd had a seizure in it while holding a bag of baking soda and I probably ate 4000 calories of "broken" brownies oh I can't bring the broken ones to the Christmas party...but with each event the baking part gets a little easier and the results get a little more edible. Maybe I should try to get an elective at a pasty school...hmmm...

Another Charming Trend in Medicine

"IMG" means "International Medical Graduate". As in, anyone who studied medicine outside of Canada and wants to do post-graduate studies in Canada.

Did I mention there are 45 Canadians in my medical class alone?

Dare I delve into how many of those 6.5% matched to something other than internal or family medicine?

Hello, Ireland. Need a doctor?

Celebrate Good Times C'Mon!

So after 5 days of nail biting and fielding the q 3 hourly calls from my mother seeking "updates" I finally broke down and called the admissions office. I spoke with one of the directors whom I met when I was in Toronto for my interview. He said, "is there a drum roll in the background?"

"Let me see if you are on the regrets list...hmmm...no no I don't see you on the regrets list...Congratulations! They are offering you a seat!"

I was unconvinced, "Double check and make sure I am not on the list by my first instead of last name".

He laughed, "No no, I just opened the offers list and here I see your name in capital letters!"

And with that I realised my goal. It has been literally years and years in the making.

I never really believed that I would ever be capable of getting accepted. It took me 9 years to get up the courage to try those pre requisite courses again, after dropping out of chem and physics in my second year of university. I can still vividly remember being on the pay phone with my mother after my devastating physics midterm, crying and telling her I'd never be a doctor all because of physics--and feeling sooo frustrated and that the world was completely unjust as a result of that fact.

That memory makes me smile now.

So Jerry and I began drinking bubbly at about 1600h. We lounged around and went for dinner at this wonderful restaurant in town which uses as many local ingredients as possible--spectacular food. He told our server what we were celebrating and when the black forest cake (my absolute favorite dessert in the world because it was my birthday cake every year when I was a child) arrived there was the scrawled "Congratulations" on the plate. I had to take a photo, Jerry wouldn't let me use my camera so I did it a bit more stealthily with my phone (no flash). I couldn't resist!

It was pretty much a perfect day.

Refresh...Pace...Refresh...Pace

Admissions committee's are such teases. They are like the really hot single interesting person you met at that dinner party who said they'd call you 'early in the week'.

What does 'early in the week' mean exactly? Before Friday? Tomorrow is Thursday and I will be driving through the mountains all day with intermittent phone reception. ARGHGH I just want to KNOW already! It's been a couple of years now of being in limbo and these past few days have stretched to eternity-feeling status.

I have hit 'refresh' on my email inbox so many times today I've worn a callus on my pointer finger.

Eek! Interview Friday!

Just taking a quick procrastination break to say that I am cramming (I know, you'd think I'd have learned by now) for my Irish med school interview which is in two days.

The morning is a group interview which is totally stressing me out as I have no frame of reference for such an endeavor and the afternoon is for classic interviews. How to come across as a well rounded, smart, interesting, compassionate professional instead of a ADD, arrogant, conceited, emotionally unstable, domineering Captain of the Universe?

It shall be a fine line.

There isn't much I can find about group interviews online which is kind of frustrating...so I am prepping as I would for a classic and hope I don't fall flat on my face and say something inane like "because I want to help people" when they ask why I want to be a doctor.

Eeek! I am stressing.

On the plus side, my suit pants look better now that I've dropped the too-much-dahl-in-India poundage.

Look out world, I am on my way in baggy trousers!

A Welcome Curveball

Some happy news this week...

I got an invitation to interview for an Irish medical school! April 10th to be exact.

Yay!

This both pleases me and complicates my life greatly.

My life is nothing if not unpredictable.

Subject Heading: Regrets

Ok. Not to belabor the point...but the final nail in the coffin of medical school rejection's from Canada arrived last Friday.

I must commend the University of Toronto for having the email subject heading, "Regrets".

YES!!

THAT is what I am TALKING ABOUT!!

No, not the rejection part, but the clear, concise let down. I hadn't even thought of "regrets" for a subject heading as the quickest-band-aid-removal for "what is the email from admissions going to say?"

Sigh. U of T, you complete me.

Well you don't. But your PFO email style does.

Comments of the Week

Well...another 2 rejections came my way this week. The last one came Friday afternoon as I was sleeping off my night shift. I saw the blinking LED on my phone and took a quick glance at the email. Yep. Another resounding "you did not qualify for an interview".

I muttered an expletive, rolled over and went back to sleep. Starting to get numb I think.

It's been a rough week for many reasons. I have to say the things that have been keeping me smiling are the calls, emails, and comments of support....much appreciated.

Two particular comments have given me plenty of mileage already and make me laugh whenever I think of them--so Nature Nerd and Keith you two are tied for the number one comment of the week:

"I think you should send them some feedback, starting with unfortunately, i can't accept your rejection letter, as I am the best candidate to take a seat in your stupid ass school."

and

"Pooooop to U of C. Poop. They have no idea what they just passed up. No. Idea."

Ahh well. Life goes on. I can't really moan about having to spend the next couple of years in the Caribbean, but I can moan about having to be so far away from such amazing friends and family.

Admissions Committees are Just Not that Into Me

Once again I interrupt the slow plodding chronicles of my volunteer trip to India to write about current events in my long journey to medical school.

Yesterday I got three--count 'em--three rejection emails from Canadian medical schools. Ouch. The hits just keep on coming.

J.B was at the house when I opened the one from Calgary, which was the school I really wanted to get an interview at. The main bonuses were the proximity to my family, the 3 year program, the rural clerkships, the short drive to the mountains...oh and the hockey jersey that each student gets.

So I opened the email with a racing heart, thinking that it wasn't a good sign that I was getting the email on the first day of the notifications. I must say though, despite the contents, the thing that I really liked about the rejection was that the letter started like this:

February 2nd 2009


Dear Albinoblackbear,


Unfortunately,...(insert rejection monologue here)


I liked how they cut to the chase. They had me at "unfortunately" which I found thoughtful. I mean all one wants to know when opening a letter/email like that is YES or NO and you don't want to actually read 3 paragraphs and find buried somewhere in there the words "the cut off for the interview score invitations were higher than your application scores" or some convoluted drivel like that. Really, they ought to print the letters with either a green or red background so that you don't even have to read the words to get the message.

My rejection from Ottawa was like aforementioned wordy example. Buried. Paragraph three and with somewhat ambiguous wording.

So when I read that U of C didn't want me I had a small meltdown which J.B said "was a mixture of crying, laughing, and the F-word". It's true. It was a rant akin to the rant I had when I was first rejected many moons ago by a Saba.

But it brings me back to the question, what do admissions committees want? Is all this business about wanting 'well rounded applicants with life experiences that prove their dedication to medicine' a bunch of lip service to hide the fact that really they are still looking for borderline Aspergers applicants who have biochem degrees, 40 MCAT scores, and a research background?

Sigh.

Hold. Back. Rant.

Well, the upside is I am going to medical school, the downside is I will likely have to leave Canada to do so. Funny how today I got my renewal notification for the Canadian Journal of Rural Medicine. I just feel my heart hardening to the constant cries of "where are all the rural doctors in Canada?" and all the woes of rural ER docs when I am jumping up and down in the background going "pick me! pick me! I grew up in rural Alberta and want to continue to provide medical care to underprivileged populations in Canada!" and I get the letter from admissions that begins with the word 'unfortunately'.

SUCCESS!!

We interrupt this journal of my recent volunteer trip to India to happily announce that I have been accepted to 2 medical schools!

So...now I just have to wait to hear back from the other 12 that I applied to...sadly the interview offers for the rest don't come out until February or later...

If there are still some of you out there...I promise I have emerged from the cave that I crawled into after India and will get back to posting again more regularly.

In some ways this knowledge that I am now for sure going to medical school is...almost hard to wrap my head around. I have spent so much time and money and made so many sacrifices to get to this point I almost thought that there would be fireworks and cartwheels when I found out.

But it was just a large envelope and at the time no one to jump up and down with. It did seem a little empty. Of course my family was over the moon but everything almost seemed bittersweet.

Anyway now there appears to be someone who is going to come along for the ride so...fingers crossed...

21 Days and 1 Shower Later

Just a quick post to say that I am alive and clean for the first time in three weeks. Well I've been alive, just without running water, electricity, or phone access...

My internet time is up in 3 minutes and I will be heading out into the fray of Delhi streets to be assaulted by noise, odour, vendors, pollution, and dust.

Finally was able to check email to find out about my first MD school interview invite!!! Woot!

Gotta go. More soon.

ABB

Ughhhh.

I've had this sinus cold for almost 2 weeks now. This is my first really bad one and now I see what all the fuss is about. I had a couple of days off between my sets of nights last week and spent most of it in bed, trying to sleep. I guess I did get out for an afternoon hike with Same Name which was great, but once the Advil Cold and Sinus wore off I turned back into a snotty troglodyte. I had a day off yesterday before starting this set of 12h shifts, and you guessed it...I was horizontal for most of that as well. Awesome. I am going to be in wicked shape for this trip. Maybe they will let my donkey carry O2 for me. (Yes there are going to be donkeys to carry the clinic supplies). Wait, maybe they will let the donkey carry me.

This morning I woke up and I swear the infection has moved into my right mandible and zygomatic arch. Either that or I was grinding my teeth last night something fierce.

I have a stash of moxifloxicin which one of the docs at work gave me for my trip...I am resisting the urge to start taking them. Step. Away. From. The. Moxi.

Speaking of my trip I just realized that I am leaving in 8 days. 8!!!

I am not finished any of my applications and am thinking I may pare the list down because at this point it is about quality applications not the quantity.

The List Continues

McGill
McMaster
Northern Ontario School of Medicine
Queens
Memorial
Dalhousie
Ottawa
Toronto

That brings the count up to 17 applications total so far. Not including the US and Australian schools.

If I don't get in to at least one I will have to re-evaluate my career choice...oh...and my self esteem...

Slogging

This morning I worked on applications to:

Ross University
American University of the Caribbean
University of Calgary
University College Cork
University College Limerick
University College Dublin
National University of Ireland, Galway
Royal College of Surgeons, Ireland
Trinity College, Ireland.

Now I shall eat lunch and hit MCAT books.

Good times.

Bad Day

Today was not so good.

In fact, I had a really really crappy day today. One of the worst I can remember in a long time.

It was not at work. No one spit at me, or swore at me. No co-worker made a snippy comment. No one died. No, I was just here, trying to study for the old mcat. But as previously posted there is some major upheaval in the clan of the Blackbear right now so it made studying attempts futile. I eventually gave up and lived in the blogosphere for a while with a trickle of drool coming down my chin.

Then I attempted to be productive by filling out applications for medical schools. I mean, it only takes half a brain to manually enter every class from the last 6 years of university into an online form. Which, any other day would have filled me with glee and excitement. Would have given me a charge, an oomph. I would have been proud of myself for taking a year off work, going back to school, going into debt, leaving my boyfriend, friends, family behind. I'd be patting myself on the back at how I stuck to my goals and now I have arrived in the place where I can finally start applying.

But it did none of those things.

Nope. It just gave me a great deal of self doubt. Suddenly my grades don't look so good, my volunteer work seems spotty, I never repeated that stats course that I did so poorly in...what was I thinking???

Ireland, Australia, Canada, USA, Caribbean...somewhere...anywhere...I really don't care. Just get me out of the land of The Great Unknown.

Maybe I ought to take up professional gambling...at this point it seems like more of a sure bet.

Hate Mail

So I just got my first official rejection letter from XYZ School of Medicine in Warm Tropical Climate.

I guess my application just isn't good enough which makes sense I suppose. I mean, really...what made me think I had a chance?

I only graduated from BSc with distinction. Had "A" average in pre reqs. Have worked in health care for 4 years and traveled to the most remote regions of the country to deliver primary care to under-serviced populations. I only have certifications in ACLS, BTLS, TNCC, NRP, CPR-C, and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. Being on call as the only health provider in places where the nearest doctor/hospital was 4h away by plane has obviously given me no insight into the rigors of medical responsibility. What do I know about medicine? Clearly nothing.

Maybe it is because I am not well rounded enough. Like maybe if I spoke 4 languages instead of only 3. And played 4 instruments instead of only 3. Maybe if I hadn't had a career as a music teacher and in a successful band as a lead vocalist I could have put just a little more time into volunteer work because I only volunteered with the homeless youth project for a year and for the Red Cross Emergency Disaster team for 3 years, and in an elephant sanctuary in Malaysia, oh and at that hospital in India. Maybe if I had been more athletic...like been involved in more sports than just volleyball, basketball, rugby, running, rock climbing, skiing, kayaking, hiking, and cross country mountain biking...damn it! I knew I should have taken up lacrosse and water polo!

I suppose it is my small mindedness and inability to venture into unknown territories because I have been outside this small town so few times. I mean hasn't everyone been to Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Malaysia, New Zealand, Australia, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Africa?

It is such shit feeling to open that letter in the post office. The nice, well air conditioned post office. The letter was just sitting there so innocuously. It didn't look like the menacing message it held. After opening it I had to go and pick up a parcel (a book about first responders and PTSD incidentally) and was in a full rejection daze. The frustration of all the time and money and blood and sweat and tears for this. This letter printed on nice heavy paper. Paper my 75$ application fee helped pay for.

I know, I know. Rejection is a part of the process. But frankly, this really isn't a good time. It's a million degrees outside and my arms are sticking to my MCAT notes as I try and make them, my relationship has been through a meat grinder over the past 10 months, and my financial ruin may come if I don't somehow win the lottery or stop studying for the MCAT and get back to work soon. So with each passing day the WHY AM I DOING THIS voice gets louder and more insistent.

Okay. Rant done. I had to vent somewhere. And if not on my blog chronicling my path to med school then where?

Stupid. Stupid. Med. School. I hate you almost as much as I hate shin splints.

Maybe I didn't get in because of my sense of entitlement.

hmmm.....