Hate Mail

So I just got my first official rejection letter from XYZ School of Medicine in Warm Tropical Climate.

I guess my application just isn't good enough which makes sense I suppose. I mean, really...what made me think I had a chance?

I only graduated from BSc with distinction. Had "A" average in pre reqs. Have worked in health care for 4 years and traveled to the most remote regions of the country to deliver primary care to under-serviced populations. I only have certifications in ACLS, BTLS, TNCC, NRP, CPR-C, and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. Being on call as the only health provider in places where the nearest doctor/hospital was 4h away by plane has obviously given me no insight into the rigors of medical responsibility. What do I know about medicine? Clearly nothing.

Maybe it is because I am not well rounded enough. Like maybe if I spoke 4 languages instead of only 3. And played 4 instruments instead of only 3. Maybe if I hadn't had a career as a music teacher and in a successful band as a lead vocalist I could have put just a little more time into volunteer work because I only volunteered with the homeless youth project for a year and for the Red Cross Emergency Disaster team for 3 years, and in an elephant sanctuary in Malaysia, oh and at that hospital in India. Maybe if I had been more athletic...like been involved in more sports than just volleyball, basketball, rugby, running, rock climbing, skiing, kayaking, hiking, and cross country mountain biking...damn it! I knew I should have taken up lacrosse and water polo!

I suppose it is my small mindedness and inability to venture into unknown territories because I have been outside this small town so few times. I mean hasn't everyone been to Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Malaysia, New Zealand, Australia, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Africa?

It is such shit feeling to open that letter in the post office. The nice, well air conditioned post office. The letter was just sitting there so innocuously. It didn't look like the menacing message it held. After opening it I had to go and pick up a parcel (a book about first responders and PTSD incidentally) and was in a full rejection daze. The frustration of all the time and money and blood and sweat and tears for this. This letter printed on nice heavy paper. Paper my 75$ application fee helped pay for.

I know, I know. Rejection is a part of the process. But frankly, this really isn't a good time. It's a million degrees outside and my arms are sticking to my MCAT notes as I try and make them, my relationship has been through a meat grinder over the past 10 months, and my financial ruin may come if I don't somehow win the lottery or stop studying for the MCAT and get back to work soon. So with each passing day the WHY AM I DOING THIS voice gets louder and more insistent.

Okay. Rant done. I had to vent somewhere. And if not on my blog chronicling my path to med school then where?

Stupid. Stupid. Med. School. I hate you almost as much as I hate shin splints.

Maybe I didn't get in because of my sense of entitlement.

hmmm.....

Getting (Jack) S*#t Done

Ah yes, the elusive ability to focus.

So now it is Friday and I can take stock of my week of MCAT studying.

Monday:

Rearrange office, unpack boxes from move.
10k trail run. Feels like obese child is sitting on my chest the entire time. Guess I am not over the 'Black Lung' yet.

Tuesday:

Go through files and throw stuff out. Get papers stacked on desk. Arrange pens. Rearrange pens. Surf internet. Upload photos of staggette.
Do practice MCAT. Did OK. Not good enough to get into a medical school score but good enough to keep me from stepping out in front of large logging trucks that roll by my window every hour or so.
Get annoyed by tree being cut down noise all day long.

10.7km trail run. Intermittent obese-child-sitting-on-chest-feeling and one coughing fit. Shaved 8 mins off yesterdays time.

Wednesday:

Blog about aforementioned staggette.
Do laundry. Clean and organize gear room. Pack up ski gear (sniff!). Unpack climbing gear.
Clean spare room, and I mean clean. Even the windowsills get my attention. In the event anyone should ever come and visit they will have mackin' room awaiting.
Get annoyed with mowing noises from neighbors all day long.
Run to pick up car (6.7km), no obese child to be seen or felt.

Thursday:
Cry in bakery over breakfast burrito.
Review wrong answers from previous on-line exam.
Live in blogosphere for a while.
Drink lots of tea and stare wistfully out of window.
Go for 7km run after train crossing thwarted plans to trail run. Feels like I am running through 1 ft deep molasses.
Eat sushi. Read book.

Friday:
Attempt another online exam. Hit QUIT by accident and lose over an hour worth of stupid stupid stupid physics questions.
Get annoyed by crying baby that seems to have appeared at other neighbors house.
Shut all windows and door.
Nearly faint from heat exhaustion in upstairs attic office.
Decide to purchase room A/C soon.
Say "eff it" and go for 11 km trail run.

In summary:

-the week was almost a complete failure with regard to studying
-also appear to be failing in other aspects of life, like personal relationships
-competent at housecleaning (hmmm....)
-have love/hate on for running right now.

Grandmother Gives Birth To Triplets?

I had to comment. There are just so many things WRONG with this "news" story.

1) She's 46 years old. Funny how the headline doesn't read "46 year old..." Maybe I am choked because the fact that "grandmother" was in the headline made me read the story. Damn it! I hate being tricked by sleazy journalists!

2) Apparently she's aware that she would be challenged by looking after the boys.

"I'll probably have to use different coloured nail polish on them to tell them apart," she said.

"I don't want to get them mixed up."

Ummm...I think it is safe to say that the smallest thing you'll be worrying about is "getting them mixed up"!

3) 'David Molloy from the Queensland Fertility group said the chance of having identical triplets at the age of 46 was "probably the same as winning Gold Lotto."

I'd rather win the lotto.

A Clean Slate

I started my original blog, ohtanninbound, as a way to keep track of the places I was working as a northern outpost nurse. Too many communities and contracts were starting to blur and I was losing track of where I had been and where I was going. Also, I figured a blog was a good place to make notes of delicious wines that I was discovering (hence the blog name if you didn't catch it).

But it turns out that what I really want to write about is my experiences as a nurse and the current challenge of getting into medical school. Seems some folks even enjoy reading my health care related rambles! So I thought I'd create this shiny new blog that I could dedicate to the medical aspect of my life, and keep the boring personal life separate (well, boring to most, exciting to me). That way no one has to sift through pictures of me standing in my kitchen to read about some motorcycle accident in the central Arctic.

So today seemed like an appropriate day to begin as it is day 1 of MCAT preparations and med school applications. I have completed all the pre requisites and have returned to my home in the mountains to study for the summer. I write August 28th.

Clearly I've got some organizing to do before I start. Maybe tomorrow I'll move the desk in front of the window so I can stare wistfully out of it.