I often end up turfing or just writing private posts about how much I loathe medical school somedays. I guess I don't want this blog to turn into a whiney drone about stress levels, lack of sleep, nil free time, and nostalgia for Canada. I am sure if I was back in my pre-med shoes again I and I came across posts like that I'd grind my teeth and think about how much I wanted to be in medical school while the world seemed full of undeserving, unappreciative little snots who did nothing but complain about being in medical school.
But let's be honest. I am not feeling the love right now.
I know that it is partly because finals are looming and that just brings my baseline cortisol levels up a notch, but it's also this sinking feeling that I made the wrong decision by quitting my life and coming here to do this.
I've been ruminating on the reasons I seem to have been hard-wired into pursuing medicine and wonder if there would have been any way I could have re-wired myself before I got tangled up in this.
I remember the exact moment that I decided I was going to be a doctor and after that, nothing else even seemed to be a possibility. The problem is that it was my complete awe and admiration for an astounding physician that made me want to pursue medicine. Where my reasoning may have been flawed is that it was the man (my grandfather) that was astounding, not the career. He would have touched hundreds of lives and made a positive impact on the plantet if he'd been a used book seller, or a languages professor, or a farmer, or a school janitor. When you are eight years old though you can't grasp that part of the equation. You just see a wonderful human and think the best way to somehow be like them is to do what they did with their life.
I should be feeling good, I did well on the anatomy spotter. But I just feel, obligated. Obligated to constantly study, review, test myself. Surely it is natural, when something seems to take up your entire existence, to feel resentful towards it from time to time?
I am actually grinding my teeth even when I am AWAKE these days. That is a new one. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't relax. Ugh.
So I apologize to the premeds that might stumble upon this post. But right now I'd rather be anywhere than here.