I participated in my first neonatal cardiac arrest resuscitation today. I am not ready to write that much about it as I am still processing...but it has been a day where I oscillate between the medical aspect of the event and how much I thrived on being a part of it...and the emotional part of my brain that bobs to the surface bringing with it a wave of overwhelming sadness.
When I got home from work I realised that I had pulled into the driveway, opened my car door and had been sitting there with one leg out of the door and the rest of me in the car for several minutes, totally lost in thought.
Decided that a long tortuous session of power yoga would clear my head, but instead it just made me feel claustrophobic, I needed air.
So I cranked up some Philip Glass and walked to the harbor, watched the sun go down and then walked home. And somehow I still am trying to grasp the dichotomy between how detached I felt during the code and how distressing it became later once I got home from work.
The brain works in mysterious ways. More on all of this later.