Thursday, January 7, 2016

Sweaty Scapulas

I am finally half-way through my last year of residency. It has been the hardest year of training, without question. It is difficult to finish one residency feeling somewhat competent and able (Family Medicine) and begin a new residency where every day you just feel like a completely inept moron (Enhanced Surgical Skills). Stack on to that the sleep deprivation, increased debt, crippling self doubt, and sore muscles. It all makes me ask "why am I doing this to myself" on a daily basis.

I was finishing a cesarean section last July and I said to my attending afterward, "I've never actually felt sweat dripping off my scapula before". She just smiled and said, "welcome to surgery". And she was right.

I've seen and done things this year that I haven't even begun to process. I'd love to write about these experiences but I am constantly mindful of confidentiality, not that I have the time anyway. I miss writing. I miss looking back on my perspective on events, being reminded of things I'd completely forgotten about.

A good friend of mine recently published a very...very...brave piece about her life in Iqaluit many years ago. It is so beautiful and raw and brilliantly written. It made me wish I could be a writer and tell the stories we face, and the people we become as a result of being trained in the medical machine.

Maybe that will be my New Years resolution. Just to start writing again. Even if it is only for me.